so hard to be so far away from where my heart desires to be

I just want to keep it real. But plenty of tears come today. I'm really struggling with what I am to do. I am in a position in my work to make such a difference and seek the financial support to help the organization do its work on the ground...the ripple effect I must remember...yet there is this ache to be in the communities I have come to love and grown to miss. I don't know how to reconcile those two things. The inner struggle is becoming my own torture as I try to keep myself going here...but the struggle is intensifying. Maybe I just need to be patient and keep holding on and trust His timing. I wonder why this eagerness to get there now is building so strongly the last couple months...maybe its just cause I've been away for a long while. Or, is it an indication I am to just go now? I can't possibly see how I can do that when I am in my position here. I'm sure God will work this all out in His perfect timing, I'm just finding it hard to rest when my soul desires to be somewhere other than it is right now.

Oh mercy, it's gonna be a long ride.

The daydreaming continues...

I keep having to remind myself of the ripple effects of my work here. So often I wish I were there--but there is purpose in sitting behind my desk endlessly writing away. I just need to keep telling myself that.

Well, I sat down a few nights ago and typed out the most honest message I could to both my supervisors letting them know that I feel the Lord is and has been pursuing me to return back to South Africa and acknowledging that we need to work towards that. I do feel they will want me in the US a bit longer, so will wait to hear from them.

I forgot to mention I had a run-in meeting last week with Dr. George Ayittey an Ghanain economist who is widely-recognized Worldwide for his voice on what solutions for Africa look like. He is the author of Africa Unchained, a book that was really helpful to me. He affirms African solutions for African problems which I could not agree with more. Usually I am shy around these sorts of people, but seriously only through the grace of God who gave me great boldness, did I march myself right up to him, tell him what some of my ideas were, and ask if I could have his contact information so I could bounce some ideas off him and potentially sometime down the road ask him to be a board member :) That's exactly what I did and so I will contact him and keep the discussion going.

In the meantime, I need to start getting my ideas down concretely on paper. I have passions to work with youth doing fitness and nutrition programs, and character-building sports conferences/camps that will also serve as discipleship mechanisms and HIV prevention tools. This stems out of my love for running and doing triathlons and a run-in with an IRONMAN triathlete from one of the townships in South Africa in 2008.

Then there is also a dream to work with communities building skills and trading systems. I think they would be a bit similar to Millennium Villages but without the dependence on outside aid. God has pointed me to Zimbabwe with this vision long ago, so one step at a time I will get there, as long as I keep walking that out. I think my time with Farming God's Way, short as it was in 2008, will be a key part of this work. I just have a feeling that that relationship was cultivated for a larger purpose.

So, those are some of the dreams God planted in me--years ago. Sometimes I feel like they are impossible to carry out, but I believe God put them in me and that He has given me a love for Africa that will keep me focused even while I am away. That certainly has been the case so far. And I'm thankful He will do exactly as He desires to accomplish if I remain an open vessel for Him to move through. These dreams are not mine, but His, and I have finally reached the point of being broken of myself and poured out for Him. I'm beginning to grasp that I will be in Africa for a long, long time. Its just something I feel at the core of my soul. I know I still have a choice and there is plenty I could involve myself in here in the States, and God would love me the same. His love doesn't change no matter what we do or don't do. It is constant and cannot be earned. But there is a joy in me to keep walking out the vision He put in my heart...whatever that means...So step by step it is. My prayer is Paul's prayer that I would become less that He may become more and that in my temporary life He may be glorified and use me as He so desires.

In the waiting room and finding it difficult to wait...

Rewind...back to the end of November. I was beginning to realize that it would be valuable and important to get back to South Africa and spend some time with the organization I am working for. It's been a while since I've spent time with them and there have been a number of changes. Apart from the information gathering that would be helpful to me to continue in my current role I really wanted deeply to connect with everyone again. It's hard to be hundreds of miles away and writing like a busy bee all the proposals I am, without having people around who are also passionate about that work...no one to talk to (besides on skype). So I sit at my computer desk day in and day out, writing, writing, writing, sometimes making phone calls, but usually writing. I was so excited so I asked if I could come and work from there for a little while. No response. I asked again. No response.

Finally, about 1.5 months passes and I ask again. This time the answer is different--it is not as I expected--"the sure, it would be good to have you here" that I was hoping for, but to keep waiting.

I'm a bit disappointed...well, let's be honest, more than a bit. I tried to convey how important I thought it would be for me to spend time back at the organization, but nope. I'm sure there is good reason for the decision that was made. In some ways it is reiterating to me a growing angst...that maybe what I am supposed to do requires some separation from an organization and me stepping out more on my own. It's hard to do that completely being a stranger to the land, having a different skin color, and speaking a different language. Yet, I am slowly realizing that I think I need to abide in His grace and step out in faith.

There is also something else I keep thinking about. When in South Africa a while back, I felt God was saying to me to "stand by (a certain person's) side and support (this person) in all that they do." That is a pretty clear directive and perhaps the very clarity I had been praying for. I wrestle with knowing what that means and looks like and have a desire to obey. I guess in time, it would begin to become more clear. I wonder if I should say something to this person? Hmmm...

So, I am beginning to realize that it's time for another conversation to happen...this time regarding moving closer to what I feel God is calling me to. I'm not sure how that will go over when there has not been a great deal of understanding up to this point, but all I can do is be honest with where I am at and live by my convictions to do what is right no matter what the repercussions are. I know I need to be obedient to Christ and that is my desire.

So, here's to having the conversation and all it's repercussions. I am so thankful that the Lord is in control. When we are faithful, He is faithful. When we are not faithful, He remains faithful still. Such great love...

Another year forward

Wowza...been a while since I've posted something on here. I've been home for over a year now. I thought about it for a while a little while ago. When I first boarded the plane two Decembers ago to return home, there was no question in my mind that I would be home for a month and then immediately return back to South Africa to continue my role fund raising. But, as I was home I began to realize that my job would be easier and work more ideally from the US than from South Africa, granted there were pros and cons working in either place.

As I look back on it now, I was right. I accomplished a lot more being in the States than I may have accomplished being in South Africa. And, God used the time I've been away to help me recognize how much I want to be back. Only, this time, it's not me wanting to go because I ought to, but because I want to...that is the compelling emotion in my heart. But I don't know what that looks like at the moment. I'm praying that doors that were once open will reopen again. That although things don't look clear right now, that they soon will become clear.

I wonder if God is asking me to make a decision and step out in faith towards it? I particularly wonder this as I am in an interesting and complex situation at the moment that has my hands tied. I don't have permission to move forward until I hear back from my current employer about the status of my position, but it has been an overwhelmingly long time that I've been waiting for decisions to be made. I've been a bit inpatient, and have tried for perhaps the last time, today to find the clarification I have been seeking. I hope to hear something soon.

A good friend told me when I was in South Africa in 2008, that the closer we get to following God's plan for our lives the more it will require us to give up and let go of things that hinder us...those words were so wise and I think back on them quite often. I think I know what that looks like for me now and it is just a matter of doing it...letting go of those things.

I am still reminded of the words that came to me while in South Africa...pointing me to Zimbabwe. I'm hoping that may happen soon.

Well, back in the waiting room...

The promises of God...

I dissected the corridors of my heart. I find what's been there all along, this fragile little hope that clings tightly to God in the midst of a world around me that in the past few months has seemed to come apart...this little girl inside me who carries her basket, her offering, seeking to do the wild desires of my heart the dreams I've been chasing for so long but struggling at times to find the way. I'm taunted by the voices around me.

Let me just say that last week I had to make my decision as to staying "indefinitely" for a time here or returning home. I struggled with the two passions of my heart and bringing them both before the Lord and offering them up. I called a wise woman who spoke the truth boldly to me in the midst of my need. Her words turned me back to my One True Love.

And I knew in my heart that staying, although it means not seeing family for a while, is what I need to do to keep walking out this journey. No doubt in my mind that I could turn around and go right back home and God would still smile upon me and bless me. He knows I'll serve Him wherever I am. But there is this tenacious drive in me that yearns to see how God redeems the past few months of pain and loss. And I know if I turn around I will be walking away from seeing what is up ahead in the journey. So, I remain this little vessel, offering all of what I can, which is just lil ole me.

So I said "yes" to staying which means I won't be coming home till December, I think.

But then there are the voices that taunt my spirit so.

The voice of the one who a couple months ago told me that I wasn't the "right volunteer" for this position because if it was God's will my support money would have come in much more quickly. I often doubt myself, second quess myself alot, and this statement almost made me retreat. Was I never to come in the first place? was the question I kept asking. It took a lot to heal after those words were said. I've been yearning to see how God redeems it.

But then something else this past week. How in the ups and downs of all that has happened and how "the plan" I originally agreed to has been changing so much, that this may distort the character of God, who is not One who calls us to chase after Him as He changes things on us unexpectedly. That's true, so how do I make sense of all the changes? Now I'm confused...but not entirely. It makes sense to me. I knew before I came God was preparing me for something big and something new in my life--that He was going to do something huge. I knew when I purchased my airfare that although the return date was July 21st, I wouldn't be returning then. I knew before I left that the relationship that had been so important to me for so long was going to come to an end. I knew I was going to have to decide between pursuing God, or pursuing the relationship. I knew when I applied for my Visa extension and chose a date in October, that that wasn't the right timing either.

But still, it's the words again that suddenly make me doubt everything. Something beautiful I cling to...

I was awakened Sunday in the middle of the night by a voice that said to me, "Go to Zimbabwe."

Random, totally random.

But I think it was God's way of reminding me that He does have me on a journey. I have known that South Africa was my starting place all along and Zimbabwe my ending place. It was as if, the night before the day I had to give my decision, God was reminding me that there was a "promise land" He has been taking me to all along.

I remember every time I've doubted myself, every time I've been fearful of hoping, every time I've been afraid that God has something good up ahead, every time I've felt inadequate, I have looked out to see a rainbow. They've only lasted a couple minutes each time, but interestingly they've been there just when I glanced up and always directly ahead of me. A very clear reminder to me that He is faithful and that His promises are true.

So I cling to those reminders and keep walking. I do need prayer though, especially now. I was so excited to keep walking but now struggle with wondering again if I'm supposed to be here given all that's been said to me. I need to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him, my ears attentive to His voice but it is hard when I've been hearing so many other things from people who I respect and find quite wise.

Please pray for me, for discernment and that I will know the way forward.


(Thanks Mara and Michelle for taking good care of my Mom. That is a HUGE blessing to me. I miss her very much and appreciate you two reaching out to her and seeing that she gets well. Thanks for your prayers and love and for being the Body so well.)

Fingerprints...

A few months before I came out to South Africa I was really struggling with making the journey. I felt a little like Jonah who was commanded to head to Ninevah but did not want to go. It was hard for me. I realized that in making the first step, it was an initial step that would propel me forward to pursuing my long-term calling. Hard because while all along I had been yearning to be in Africa, simultaneously I was wrestling with the other desire that was deeply embedded in my heart--the part of me that really wanted to just settle down and start a family. I wondered to myself if that was okay...if it would be okay to jump off the train that my life seemed to be on the past six years and abandon ship to pursue this other desire. I wondered if it was okay to abandon my calling, at least for a time.

That struggle has continuted to come up during my time out here, especially throughout all the ups and downs but I sensed God calling me to remain within the land. In the midst of everything I really had to step back and ask myself the question, "Is it even possible to please God?" Because ultimately, that's what I wanted to do with all my heart.

Is it possible to please God?

Not an easy question to answer but the more I ponder it the more I think the answer is no. How can man please the One who created all things when not even one of us is righteous? Thank God he sent His son to redeem us. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is okay to live in sin, I am simply stating that the religious principles and all our attempts to live a sinless life are really futile because God accepts us as we are and we are justified in Christ. We should seek to honor and glorify God by making choices that are in accordance with what Christ has taught us but to religiously try to "please" Him would be just as poor of an attempt as the Pharisees had sought so diligently to do.)

I just finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. The story capitulated the story of Hosea in the Bible. Hosea was a man called to marry a prostitute, Gomer. At the very end of the book I realized God was asking me if I realized he loved me as much as Hosea loved Gomer...with a love that is unconditional, that accepts me as I am, and is not dependant on the right or wrong choices I make or have failed to make.

That's really when it hit me that this whole past two years at least, maybe even longer, I was living my life thinking that if I don't pursue my calling and I abandon ship, surely I will disappoint my Heavenly Father. I certainly didn't want to disappoint Him. I began living life in order to "please" Him rather than disappoint Him. I've been so afraid of disappointing Him if I made a wrong choice or didn't step in the direction I thought He wanted me to head. Every decision became extremely difficult as I pondered what was going on in my head and heart and trying to make my thoughts and responses obedient to God. What I realized was that that was not at all the relationship God wants to be in.

It came really beautifully to me.

I've never had a "word" from the Lord spoken to me by someone else. This past Tuesday, I was at a prayer meeting and everyone formed a large circle and prayed. Afterwards, I sat with two close friends talking and enjoying pizza when a man who doesn't know me at all approached and asked for two minutes of my time. I was a little hesitant but followed Him to another table and sat down. He wasted no time and told me that when we were all praying, God gave Him a specific word to come speak to me. He proceeded to say that this is what God said to Him to tell me...

"You have had many decisions to make and have been knocking on many doors trying to understand which ones to walk through. The Lord wants you to know that He sees your heart and sincerity and because of it, His favor rests on you. He wants you to know that it doesn't matter to Him which door you walk through, He will bless your steps. He also has a long-term plan for you and wants to bless it so walk forward knowing that the Lord's favor is on you whatever decision you make."

And it hit me...tenderly God was reassuring me of His love and His goodness. It was freeing to me...just to know that He has allowed me freedom to make my own decision...that I don't have to put myself through such a crucible of decision making and wrestling so much to determine what the "right" decision is.

So, even if I abandon this calling for a time that's okay? Yeah, I think that's what He was saying. And then I realized the depth of His love. That in all my futile attempts to please Him, He just wants my heart. That I can walk whatever path forward if i just let Him have my heart, my adoration, my love. It was quite an awakening for me.

And, let me say it came at an appropriate time as two weeks ago I was asked to consider remaining in South Africa indefinitely. I know that doing so makes a great deal of logical sense as I feel a majority of my life will be spent in Africa. Now, rather than looking to God for the clear direction I would have sought regarding the next step, I hear Him asking me, "what do you want to do?" Rather than feeling condemned if I say I don't know that I'm ready to stay here indefinitely, I am reassured with "it's okay--the choice is yours..." which has many implications, yet at the same time is so beautiful.

So now I dissect the corridors of my heart.

The road keeps winding...

It's been 16 days since the day I was supposed to pack up my things, cart my suitcases back to the airport and check myself in for my flight back home. But I didn't do any of those things besides the packing part, just in case.

My time here in South Africa has in ways been exactly what I expected, but in so many other ways, I was not anticipating God to move as He has in my life the past three months. It is those movements, difficult at times to embrace, that I finally let go of so many things in my life to make room and make way for the new season He has brought me to.

I knew before I came out here that God was doing something different, something very new in my life. I was confronted by relationships, rather a relationship, that I knew I would probably have to let go of in order to continue this journey I am on and have been on for the past five years. I didn't anticipate things (the relationship) to completely crumble apart, but it did.

The one thing that would have kept me in the USA indefinitely, gone. God knew I had a hard time letting it go so he separated me and then worked on cutting the ties that I had a hard time cutting myself. Painful--extremely, but at the very same time a new confirmation that I have been walking a path with a definite purpose.

Reflection...

My past three months have brought me alot of reflection. Voyaging into my heart, the pain, the questions, the fears, the anxiety, the desperation, the longing, the desire. I've been asking a lot of questions since I've been out here and God has been faithfully answering each one. Sometimes the answer comes from within my own spirit, sometimes through His word, sometimes the wisdom and words of a friend.

God has been whispering to me all along that He was taking me on a new journey. And I get it. It all makes sense to me.

I struggled for three or four years just getting to Africa initially. I knew that's where God wanted me but the timing wasn't right, or I wasn't ready to leave my family, needed to be grounded at work making my living... I knew when this opportunity came up it would be an easy way for me to dip my toe into the water and experience at least a little bit of what it might look like for me to be here more long term. What I didn't anticipate was that God would command me to stay here.

I can't tell you how long I wrestled with Him about it. Financially, I was already strapped and didn't want to continue dwindling down my savings account. God does call us to be wise stewards of our resources and somehow it didn't make sense to keep mine a-dwindling! My dad's heart was moved and he told me not to worry about it. Here I am, youngest of three, the one he didn't want to loose. He let me go--spread my wings, and rather than come home supports me staying in Africa. My mom too...she had an unbearable time hugging me at the airport and sending me off. Suddenly she was saying that she thought I should stay.

Then there was the "what ifs" that plagued me for so long. What if I go back now, maybe things can be repaired with the relationship? What if I am to go back and continue with things the way they were supposed to be, maybe that is what God really wants me to do? What if I don't go back now, I am going to be disappointing so many people? What if I can't find a job when I get back home? And on, and on...

I heard God saying very clearly to trust Him, seek Him, follow Him. I was reminded of a verse in the Gospel of Matthew..."anyone who looks back is not fit for ministry." That made perfect sense.

After all the prayer I knew what God was saying to me...that I knew the path all along. And I had. I had a feeling before I came that my purpose and my time may perhaps not have been what I had "signed up for" so to speak. (Quite literally). And watching various circumstances unravel themselves in the course of my 3 months, that was really quite clear. But I continued to struggle because it didn't seem right that I should come and not remain faithful to the original "plan" I was to stick to when I set off from the States. I thought about all the individuals I would be disappointing. But first and foremost I have to be faithful to God. I asked myself the question, "how can I be faithful when I am disappointing people?" God made it pretty clear again that He didn't want me to dwell on that but on the fullness of His grace and continue walking the path forward. Courage. It sometimes means that others may look down on us, but a man must do what he knows in his heart is right. Sigh...even if it means disappointing people.

So July 21st came and went.

God is faithful. He is opening doors and ministry opportunities and showing me day by day where to plant my next footstep.

Next week I get to attend an agricultural conference and training by an organization called Farming God's Way. Absolutely amazing and perfect timing. Three times since I've been here I heard God asking me if I would feed his children. I had no idea how to respond. I wanted to say yes but I didn't know what that looked like.

God gave me a clear indication...a vision, a dream, a community, and a community leader. So, when I come back from the conference, Lord willing, I will help teach people how to grow their own produce so that families can become self-sufficient and communities become sustainable as they provide one another with food.

I'm really tickled that God would allow me to serve in this capacity. It brings me back to my childhood in such a deep way when I would run and play in my grandpa's fields where he grew acres and acres of produce. It brings me back to hoeing the land, preparing the soil, and the many long labourous days planting the seeds. There is something about working the ground that makes you feel so close to God. Maybe it goes back to the start of creation, yes...I think so. I am delighted that in a way I get to share with my grandpa that a little of his farming "stuck" with me more than I may have thought it would.

And there are other doors opening up.

God is so close, so near and I stand at the edge of this great expanse ready to begin this ministry He's called me to. But at the same time, I feel the enemy lurking, wanting to pull away the good things God has ahead...the promises He has for me, the good things He desires to bless me with, the opportunities He's laid in front of me.

I sincerely ask for prayer. Prayer for wisdom to discern my steps forward, patience to allow God to go ahead, willingness to obey even when it might be hard and call forth sacrifice (which in so many ways is my own vulnerability and accepting myself). Boldness--not an easy thing for someone who can be quite shy and fearful of letting people close. That God would continue to guide all circumstances for His glory and for me to faithfully obey. For time management--that I concentrate and focus on the efforts where I can serve more effectively. For sensitivity to the way people do things here, for relationships to be strengthened and edified. To serve with humility, strength, and reverence the one who has called me here and has been sustaining me all along.

I'll write another blog soon...one not so focused on me, but I wanted to share what is going on in the depths of my heart.

To God be the glory forever, and ever, Amen.