The daydreaming continues...

I keep having to remind myself of the ripple effects of my work here. So often I wish I were there--but there is purpose in sitting behind my desk endlessly writing away. I just need to keep telling myself that.

Well, I sat down a few nights ago and typed out the most honest message I could to both my supervisors letting them know that I feel the Lord is and has been pursuing me to return back to South Africa and acknowledging that we need to work towards that. I do feel they will want me in the US a bit longer, so will wait to hear from them.

I forgot to mention I had a run-in meeting last week with Dr. George Ayittey an Ghanain economist who is widely-recognized Worldwide for his voice on what solutions for Africa look like. He is the author of Africa Unchained, a book that was really helpful to me. He affirms African solutions for African problems which I could not agree with more. Usually I am shy around these sorts of people, but seriously only through the grace of God who gave me great boldness, did I march myself right up to him, tell him what some of my ideas were, and ask if I could have his contact information so I could bounce some ideas off him and potentially sometime down the road ask him to be a board member :) That's exactly what I did and so I will contact him and keep the discussion going.

In the meantime, I need to start getting my ideas down concretely on paper. I have passions to work with youth doing fitness and nutrition programs, and character-building sports conferences/camps that will also serve as discipleship mechanisms and HIV prevention tools. This stems out of my love for running and doing triathlons and a run-in with an IRONMAN triathlete from one of the townships in South Africa in 2008.

Then there is also a dream to work with communities building skills and trading systems. I think they would be a bit similar to Millennium Villages but without the dependence on outside aid. God has pointed me to Zimbabwe with this vision long ago, so one step at a time I will get there, as long as I keep walking that out. I think my time with Farming God's Way, short as it was in 2008, will be a key part of this work. I just have a feeling that that relationship was cultivated for a larger purpose.

So, those are some of the dreams God planted in me--years ago. Sometimes I feel like they are impossible to carry out, but I believe God put them in me and that He has given me a love for Africa that will keep me focused even while I am away. That certainly has been the case so far. And I'm thankful He will do exactly as He desires to accomplish if I remain an open vessel for Him to move through. These dreams are not mine, but His, and I have finally reached the point of being broken of myself and poured out for Him. I'm beginning to grasp that I will be in Africa for a long, long time. Its just something I feel at the core of my soul. I know I still have a choice and there is plenty I could involve myself in here in the States, and God would love me the same. His love doesn't change no matter what we do or don't do. It is constant and cannot be earned. But there is a joy in me to keep walking out the vision He put in my heart...whatever that means...So step by step it is. My prayer is Paul's prayer that I would become less that He may become more and that in my temporary life He may be glorified and use me as He so desires.

In the waiting room and finding it difficult to wait...

Rewind...back to the end of November. I was beginning to realize that it would be valuable and important to get back to South Africa and spend some time with the organization I am working for. It's been a while since I've spent time with them and there have been a number of changes. Apart from the information gathering that would be helpful to me to continue in my current role I really wanted deeply to connect with everyone again. It's hard to be hundreds of miles away and writing like a busy bee all the proposals I am, without having people around who are also passionate about that work...no one to talk to (besides on skype). So I sit at my computer desk day in and day out, writing, writing, writing, sometimes making phone calls, but usually writing. I was so excited so I asked if I could come and work from there for a little while. No response. I asked again. No response.

Finally, about 1.5 months passes and I ask again. This time the answer is different--it is not as I expected--"the sure, it would be good to have you here" that I was hoping for, but to keep waiting.

I'm a bit disappointed...well, let's be honest, more than a bit. I tried to convey how important I thought it would be for me to spend time back at the organization, but nope. I'm sure there is good reason for the decision that was made. In some ways it is reiterating to me a growing angst...that maybe what I am supposed to do requires some separation from an organization and me stepping out more on my own. It's hard to do that completely being a stranger to the land, having a different skin color, and speaking a different language. Yet, I am slowly realizing that I think I need to abide in His grace and step out in faith.

There is also something else I keep thinking about. When in South Africa a while back, I felt God was saying to me to "stand by (a certain person's) side and support (this person) in all that they do." That is a pretty clear directive and perhaps the very clarity I had been praying for. I wrestle with knowing what that means and looks like and have a desire to obey. I guess in time, it would begin to become more clear. I wonder if I should say something to this person? Hmmm...

So, I am beginning to realize that it's time for another conversation to happen...this time regarding moving closer to what I feel God is calling me to. I'm not sure how that will go over when there has not been a great deal of understanding up to this point, but all I can do is be honest with where I am at and live by my convictions to do what is right no matter what the repercussions are. I know I need to be obedient to Christ and that is my desire.

So, here's to having the conversation and all it's repercussions. I am so thankful that the Lord is in control. When we are faithful, He is faithful. When we are not faithful, He remains faithful still. Such great love...

Another year forward

Wowza...been a while since I've posted something on here. I've been home for over a year now. I thought about it for a while a little while ago. When I first boarded the plane two Decembers ago to return home, there was no question in my mind that I would be home for a month and then immediately return back to South Africa to continue my role fund raising. But, as I was home I began to realize that my job would be easier and work more ideally from the US than from South Africa, granted there were pros and cons working in either place.

As I look back on it now, I was right. I accomplished a lot more being in the States than I may have accomplished being in South Africa. And, God used the time I've been away to help me recognize how much I want to be back. Only, this time, it's not me wanting to go because I ought to, but because I want to...that is the compelling emotion in my heart. But I don't know what that looks like at the moment. I'm praying that doors that were once open will reopen again. That although things don't look clear right now, that they soon will become clear.

I wonder if God is asking me to make a decision and step out in faith towards it? I particularly wonder this as I am in an interesting and complex situation at the moment that has my hands tied. I don't have permission to move forward until I hear back from my current employer about the status of my position, but it has been an overwhelmingly long time that I've been waiting for decisions to be made. I've been a bit inpatient, and have tried for perhaps the last time, today to find the clarification I have been seeking. I hope to hear something soon.

A good friend told me when I was in South Africa in 2008, that the closer we get to following God's plan for our lives the more it will require us to give up and let go of things that hinder us...those words were so wise and I think back on them quite often. I think I know what that looks like for me now and it is just a matter of doing it...letting go of those things.

I am still reminded of the words that came to me while in South Africa...pointing me to Zimbabwe. I'm hoping that may happen soon.

Well, back in the waiting room...