Fingerprints...

A few months before I came out to South Africa I was really struggling with making the journey. I felt a little like Jonah who was commanded to head to Ninevah but did not want to go. It was hard for me. I realized that in making the first step, it was an initial step that would propel me forward to pursuing my long-term calling. Hard because while all along I had been yearning to be in Africa, simultaneously I was wrestling with the other desire that was deeply embedded in my heart--the part of me that really wanted to just settle down and start a family. I wondered to myself if that was okay...if it would be okay to jump off the train that my life seemed to be on the past six years and abandon ship to pursue this other desire. I wondered if it was okay to abandon my calling, at least for a time.

That struggle has continuted to come up during my time out here, especially throughout all the ups and downs but I sensed God calling me to remain within the land. In the midst of everything I really had to step back and ask myself the question, "Is it even possible to please God?" Because ultimately, that's what I wanted to do with all my heart.

Is it possible to please God?

Not an easy question to answer but the more I ponder it the more I think the answer is no. How can man please the One who created all things when not even one of us is righteous? Thank God he sent His son to redeem us. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is okay to live in sin, I am simply stating that the religious principles and all our attempts to live a sinless life are really futile because God accepts us as we are and we are justified in Christ. We should seek to honor and glorify God by making choices that are in accordance with what Christ has taught us but to religiously try to "please" Him would be just as poor of an attempt as the Pharisees had sought so diligently to do.)

I just finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. The story capitulated the story of Hosea in the Bible. Hosea was a man called to marry a prostitute, Gomer. At the very end of the book I realized God was asking me if I realized he loved me as much as Hosea loved Gomer...with a love that is unconditional, that accepts me as I am, and is not dependant on the right or wrong choices I make or have failed to make.

That's really when it hit me that this whole past two years at least, maybe even longer, I was living my life thinking that if I don't pursue my calling and I abandon ship, surely I will disappoint my Heavenly Father. I certainly didn't want to disappoint Him. I began living life in order to "please" Him rather than disappoint Him. I've been so afraid of disappointing Him if I made a wrong choice or didn't step in the direction I thought He wanted me to head. Every decision became extremely difficult as I pondered what was going on in my head and heart and trying to make my thoughts and responses obedient to God. What I realized was that that was not at all the relationship God wants to be in.

It came really beautifully to me.

I've never had a "word" from the Lord spoken to me by someone else. This past Tuesday, I was at a prayer meeting and everyone formed a large circle and prayed. Afterwards, I sat with two close friends talking and enjoying pizza when a man who doesn't know me at all approached and asked for two minutes of my time. I was a little hesitant but followed Him to another table and sat down. He wasted no time and told me that when we were all praying, God gave Him a specific word to come speak to me. He proceeded to say that this is what God said to Him to tell me...

"You have had many decisions to make and have been knocking on many doors trying to understand which ones to walk through. The Lord wants you to know that He sees your heart and sincerity and because of it, His favor rests on you. He wants you to know that it doesn't matter to Him which door you walk through, He will bless your steps. He also has a long-term plan for you and wants to bless it so walk forward knowing that the Lord's favor is on you whatever decision you make."

And it hit me...tenderly God was reassuring me of His love and His goodness. It was freeing to me...just to know that He has allowed me freedom to make my own decision...that I don't have to put myself through such a crucible of decision making and wrestling so much to determine what the "right" decision is.

So, even if I abandon this calling for a time that's okay? Yeah, I think that's what He was saying. And then I realized the depth of His love. That in all my futile attempts to please Him, He just wants my heart. That I can walk whatever path forward if i just let Him have my heart, my adoration, my love. It was quite an awakening for me.

And, let me say it came at an appropriate time as two weeks ago I was asked to consider remaining in South Africa indefinitely. I know that doing so makes a great deal of logical sense as I feel a majority of my life will be spent in Africa. Now, rather than looking to God for the clear direction I would have sought regarding the next step, I hear Him asking me, "what do you want to do?" Rather than feeling condemned if I say I don't know that I'm ready to stay here indefinitely, I am reassured with "it's okay--the choice is yours..." which has many implications, yet at the same time is so beautiful.

So now I dissect the corridors of my heart.

The road keeps winding...

It's been 16 days since the day I was supposed to pack up my things, cart my suitcases back to the airport and check myself in for my flight back home. But I didn't do any of those things besides the packing part, just in case.

My time here in South Africa has in ways been exactly what I expected, but in so many other ways, I was not anticipating God to move as He has in my life the past three months. It is those movements, difficult at times to embrace, that I finally let go of so many things in my life to make room and make way for the new season He has brought me to.

I knew before I came out here that God was doing something different, something very new in my life. I was confronted by relationships, rather a relationship, that I knew I would probably have to let go of in order to continue this journey I am on and have been on for the past five years. I didn't anticipate things (the relationship) to completely crumble apart, but it did.

The one thing that would have kept me in the USA indefinitely, gone. God knew I had a hard time letting it go so he separated me and then worked on cutting the ties that I had a hard time cutting myself. Painful--extremely, but at the very same time a new confirmation that I have been walking a path with a definite purpose.

Reflection...

My past three months have brought me alot of reflection. Voyaging into my heart, the pain, the questions, the fears, the anxiety, the desperation, the longing, the desire. I've been asking a lot of questions since I've been out here and God has been faithfully answering each one. Sometimes the answer comes from within my own spirit, sometimes through His word, sometimes the wisdom and words of a friend.

God has been whispering to me all along that He was taking me on a new journey. And I get it. It all makes sense to me.

I struggled for three or four years just getting to Africa initially. I knew that's where God wanted me but the timing wasn't right, or I wasn't ready to leave my family, needed to be grounded at work making my living... I knew when this opportunity came up it would be an easy way for me to dip my toe into the water and experience at least a little bit of what it might look like for me to be here more long term. What I didn't anticipate was that God would command me to stay here.

I can't tell you how long I wrestled with Him about it. Financially, I was already strapped and didn't want to continue dwindling down my savings account. God does call us to be wise stewards of our resources and somehow it didn't make sense to keep mine a-dwindling! My dad's heart was moved and he told me not to worry about it. Here I am, youngest of three, the one he didn't want to loose. He let me go--spread my wings, and rather than come home supports me staying in Africa. My mom too...she had an unbearable time hugging me at the airport and sending me off. Suddenly she was saying that she thought I should stay.

Then there was the "what ifs" that plagued me for so long. What if I go back now, maybe things can be repaired with the relationship? What if I am to go back and continue with things the way they were supposed to be, maybe that is what God really wants me to do? What if I don't go back now, I am going to be disappointing so many people? What if I can't find a job when I get back home? And on, and on...

I heard God saying very clearly to trust Him, seek Him, follow Him. I was reminded of a verse in the Gospel of Matthew..."anyone who looks back is not fit for ministry." That made perfect sense.

After all the prayer I knew what God was saying to me...that I knew the path all along. And I had. I had a feeling before I came that my purpose and my time may perhaps not have been what I had "signed up for" so to speak. (Quite literally). And watching various circumstances unravel themselves in the course of my 3 months, that was really quite clear. But I continued to struggle because it didn't seem right that I should come and not remain faithful to the original "plan" I was to stick to when I set off from the States. I thought about all the individuals I would be disappointing. But first and foremost I have to be faithful to God. I asked myself the question, "how can I be faithful when I am disappointing people?" God made it pretty clear again that He didn't want me to dwell on that but on the fullness of His grace and continue walking the path forward. Courage. It sometimes means that others may look down on us, but a man must do what he knows in his heart is right. Sigh...even if it means disappointing people.

So July 21st came and went.

God is faithful. He is opening doors and ministry opportunities and showing me day by day where to plant my next footstep.

Next week I get to attend an agricultural conference and training by an organization called Farming God's Way. Absolutely amazing and perfect timing. Three times since I've been here I heard God asking me if I would feed his children. I had no idea how to respond. I wanted to say yes but I didn't know what that looked like.

God gave me a clear indication...a vision, a dream, a community, and a community leader. So, when I come back from the conference, Lord willing, I will help teach people how to grow their own produce so that families can become self-sufficient and communities become sustainable as they provide one another with food.

I'm really tickled that God would allow me to serve in this capacity. It brings me back to my childhood in such a deep way when I would run and play in my grandpa's fields where he grew acres and acres of produce. It brings me back to hoeing the land, preparing the soil, and the many long labourous days planting the seeds. There is something about working the ground that makes you feel so close to God. Maybe it goes back to the start of creation, yes...I think so. I am delighted that in a way I get to share with my grandpa that a little of his farming "stuck" with me more than I may have thought it would.

And there are other doors opening up.

God is so close, so near and I stand at the edge of this great expanse ready to begin this ministry He's called me to. But at the same time, I feel the enemy lurking, wanting to pull away the good things God has ahead...the promises He has for me, the good things He desires to bless me with, the opportunities He's laid in front of me.

I sincerely ask for prayer. Prayer for wisdom to discern my steps forward, patience to allow God to go ahead, willingness to obey even when it might be hard and call forth sacrifice (which in so many ways is my own vulnerability and accepting myself). Boldness--not an easy thing for someone who can be quite shy and fearful of letting people close. That God would continue to guide all circumstances for His glory and for me to faithfully obey. For time management--that I concentrate and focus on the efforts where I can serve more effectively. For sensitivity to the way people do things here, for relationships to be strengthened and edified. To serve with humility, strength, and reverence the one who has called me here and has been sustaining me all along.

I'll write another blog soon...one not so focused on me, but I wanted to share what is going on in the depths of my heart.

To God be the glory forever, and ever, Amen.