Fingerprints...

A few months before I came out to South Africa I was really struggling with making the journey. I felt a little like Jonah who was commanded to head to Ninevah but did not want to go. It was hard for me. I realized that in making the first step, it was an initial step that would propel me forward to pursuing my long-term calling. Hard because while all along I had been yearning to be in Africa, simultaneously I was wrestling with the other desire that was deeply embedded in my heart--the part of me that really wanted to just settle down and start a family. I wondered to myself if that was okay...if it would be okay to jump off the train that my life seemed to be on the past six years and abandon ship to pursue this other desire. I wondered if it was okay to abandon my calling, at least for a time.

That struggle has continuted to come up during my time out here, especially throughout all the ups and downs but I sensed God calling me to remain within the land. In the midst of everything I really had to step back and ask myself the question, "Is it even possible to please God?" Because ultimately, that's what I wanted to do with all my heart.

Is it possible to please God?

Not an easy question to answer but the more I ponder it the more I think the answer is no. How can man please the One who created all things when not even one of us is righteous? Thank God he sent His son to redeem us. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is okay to live in sin, I am simply stating that the religious principles and all our attempts to live a sinless life are really futile because God accepts us as we are and we are justified in Christ. We should seek to honor and glorify God by making choices that are in accordance with what Christ has taught us but to religiously try to "please" Him would be just as poor of an attempt as the Pharisees had sought so diligently to do.)

I just finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. The story capitulated the story of Hosea in the Bible. Hosea was a man called to marry a prostitute, Gomer. At the very end of the book I realized God was asking me if I realized he loved me as much as Hosea loved Gomer...with a love that is unconditional, that accepts me as I am, and is not dependant on the right or wrong choices I make or have failed to make.

That's really when it hit me that this whole past two years at least, maybe even longer, I was living my life thinking that if I don't pursue my calling and I abandon ship, surely I will disappoint my Heavenly Father. I certainly didn't want to disappoint Him. I began living life in order to "please" Him rather than disappoint Him. I've been so afraid of disappointing Him if I made a wrong choice or didn't step in the direction I thought He wanted me to head. Every decision became extremely difficult as I pondered what was going on in my head and heart and trying to make my thoughts and responses obedient to God. What I realized was that that was not at all the relationship God wants to be in.

It came really beautifully to me.

I've never had a "word" from the Lord spoken to me by someone else. This past Tuesday, I was at a prayer meeting and everyone formed a large circle and prayed. Afterwards, I sat with two close friends talking and enjoying pizza when a man who doesn't know me at all approached and asked for two minutes of my time. I was a little hesitant but followed Him to another table and sat down. He wasted no time and told me that when we were all praying, God gave Him a specific word to come speak to me. He proceeded to say that this is what God said to Him to tell me...

"You have had many decisions to make and have been knocking on many doors trying to understand which ones to walk through. The Lord wants you to know that He sees your heart and sincerity and because of it, His favor rests on you. He wants you to know that it doesn't matter to Him which door you walk through, He will bless your steps. He also has a long-term plan for you and wants to bless it so walk forward knowing that the Lord's favor is on you whatever decision you make."

And it hit me...tenderly God was reassuring me of His love and His goodness. It was freeing to me...just to know that He has allowed me freedom to make my own decision...that I don't have to put myself through such a crucible of decision making and wrestling so much to determine what the "right" decision is.

So, even if I abandon this calling for a time that's okay? Yeah, I think that's what He was saying. And then I realized the depth of His love. That in all my futile attempts to please Him, He just wants my heart. That I can walk whatever path forward if i just let Him have my heart, my adoration, my love. It was quite an awakening for me.

And, let me say it came at an appropriate time as two weeks ago I was asked to consider remaining in South Africa indefinitely. I know that doing so makes a great deal of logical sense as I feel a majority of my life will be spent in Africa. Now, rather than looking to God for the clear direction I would have sought regarding the next step, I hear Him asking me, "what do you want to do?" Rather than feeling condemned if I say I don't know that I'm ready to stay here indefinitely, I am reassured with "it's okay--the choice is yours..." which has many implications, yet at the same time is so beautiful.

So now I dissect the corridors of my heart.