The promises of God...

I dissected the corridors of my heart. I find what's been there all along, this fragile little hope that clings tightly to God in the midst of a world around me that in the past few months has seemed to come apart...this little girl inside me who carries her basket, her offering, seeking to do the wild desires of my heart the dreams I've been chasing for so long but struggling at times to find the way. I'm taunted by the voices around me.

Let me just say that last week I had to make my decision as to staying "indefinitely" for a time here or returning home. I struggled with the two passions of my heart and bringing them both before the Lord and offering them up. I called a wise woman who spoke the truth boldly to me in the midst of my need. Her words turned me back to my One True Love.

And I knew in my heart that staying, although it means not seeing family for a while, is what I need to do to keep walking out this journey. No doubt in my mind that I could turn around and go right back home and God would still smile upon me and bless me. He knows I'll serve Him wherever I am. But there is this tenacious drive in me that yearns to see how God redeems the past few months of pain and loss. And I know if I turn around I will be walking away from seeing what is up ahead in the journey. So, I remain this little vessel, offering all of what I can, which is just lil ole me.

So I said "yes" to staying which means I won't be coming home till December, I think.

But then there are the voices that taunt my spirit so.

The voice of the one who a couple months ago told me that I wasn't the "right volunteer" for this position because if it was God's will my support money would have come in much more quickly. I often doubt myself, second quess myself alot, and this statement almost made me retreat. Was I never to come in the first place? was the question I kept asking. It took a lot to heal after those words were said. I've been yearning to see how God redeems it.

But then something else this past week. How in the ups and downs of all that has happened and how "the plan" I originally agreed to has been changing so much, that this may distort the character of God, who is not One who calls us to chase after Him as He changes things on us unexpectedly. That's true, so how do I make sense of all the changes? Now I'm confused...but not entirely. It makes sense to me. I knew before I came God was preparing me for something big and something new in my life--that He was going to do something huge. I knew when I purchased my airfare that although the return date was July 21st, I wouldn't be returning then. I knew before I left that the relationship that had been so important to me for so long was going to come to an end. I knew I was going to have to decide between pursuing God, or pursuing the relationship. I knew when I applied for my Visa extension and chose a date in October, that that wasn't the right timing either.

But still, it's the words again that suddenly make me doubt everything. Something beautiful I cling to...

I was awakened Sunday in the middle of the night by a voice that said to me, "Go to Zimbabwe."

Random, totally random.

But I think it was God's way of reminding me that He does have me on a journey. I have known that South Africa was my starting place all along and Zimbabwe my ending place. It was as if, the night before the day I had to give my decision, God was reminding me that there was a "promise land" He has been taking me to all along.

I remember every time I've doubted myself, every time I've been fearful of hoping, every time I've been afraid that God has something good up ahead, every time I've felt inadequate, I have looked out to see a rainbow. They've only lasted a couple minutes each time, but interestingly they've been there just when I glanced up and always directly ahead of me. A very clear reminder to me that He is faithful and that His promises are true.

So I cling to those reminders and keep walking. I do need prayer though, especially now. I was so excited to keep walking but now struggle with wondering again if I'm supposed to be here given all that's been said to me. I need to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him, my ears attentive to His voice but it is hard when I've been hearing so many other things from people who I respect and find quite wise.

Please pray for me, for discernment and that I will know the way forward.


(Thanks Mara and Michelle for taking good care of my Mom. That is a HUGE blessing to me. I miss her very much and appreciate you two reaching out to her and seeing that she gets well. Thanks for your prayers and love and for being the Body so well.)

Fingerprints...

A few months before I came out to South Africa I was really struggling with making the journey. I felt a little like Jonah who was commanded to head to Ninevah but did not want to go. It was hard for me. I realized that in making the first step, it was an initial step that would propel me forward to pursuing my long-term calling. Hard because while all along I had been yearning to be in Africa, simultaneously I was wrestling with the other desire that was deeply embedded in my heart--the part of me that really wanted to just settle down and start a family. I wondered to myself if that was okay...if it would be okay to jump off the train that my life seemed to be on the past six years and abandon ship to pursue this other desire. I wondered if it was okay to abandon my calling, at least for a time.

That struggle has continuted to come up during my time out here, especially throughout all the ups and downs but I sensed God calling me to remain within the land. In the midst of everything I really had to step back and ask myself the question, "Is it even possible to please God?" Because ultimately, that's what I wanted to do with all my heart.

Is it possible to please God?

Not an easy question to answer but the more I ponder it the more I think the answer is no. How can man please the One who created all things when not even one of us is righteous? Thank God he sent His son to redeem us. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is okay to live in sin, I am simply stating that the religious principles and all our attempts to live a sinless life are really futile because God accepts us as we are and we are justified in Christ. We should seek to honor and glorify God by making choices that are in accordance with what Christ has taught us but to religiously try to "please" Him would be just as poor of an attempt as the Pharisees had sought so diligently to do.)

I just finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. The story capitulated the story of Hosea in the Bible. Hosea was a man called to marry a prostitute, Gomer. At the very end of the book I realized God was asking me if I realized he loved me as much as Hosea loved Gomer...with a love that is unconditional, that accepts me as I am, and is not dependant on the right or wrong choices I make or have failed to make.

That's really when it hit me that this whole past two years at least, maybe even longer, I was living my life thinking that if I don't pursue my calling and I abandon ship, surely I will disappoint my Heavenly Father. I certainly didn't want to disappoint Him. I began living life in order to "please" Him rather than disappoint Him. I've been so afraid of disappointing Him if I made a wrong choice or didn't step in the direction I thought He wanted me to head. Every decision became extremely difficult as I pondered what was going on in my head and heart and trying to make my thoughts and responses obedient to God. What I realized was that that was not at all the relationship God wants to be in.

It came really beautifully to me.

I've never had a "word" from the Lord spoken to me by someone else. This past Tuesday, I was at a prayer meeting and everyone formed a large circle and prayed. Afterwards, I sat with two close friends talking and enjoying pizza when a man who doesn't know me at all approached and asked for two minutes of my time. I was a little hesitant but followed Him to another table and sat down. He wasted no time and told me that when we were all praying, God gave Him a specific word to come speak to me. He proceeded to say that this is what God said to Him to tell me...

"You have had many decisions to make and have been knocking on many doors trying to understand which ones to walk through. The Lord wants you to know that He sees your heart and sincerity and because of it, His favor rests on you. He wants you to know that it doesn't matter to Him which door you walk through, He will bless your steps. He also has a long-term plan for you and wants to bless it so walk forward knowing that the Lord's favor is on you whatever decision you make."

And it hit me...tenderly God was reassuring me of His love and His goodness. It was freeing to me...just to know that He has allowed me freedom to make my own decision...that I don't have to put myself through such a crucible of decision making and wrestling so much to determine what the "right" decision is.

So, even if I abandon this calling for a time that's okay? Yeah, I think that's what He was saying. And then I realized the depth of His love. That in all my futile attempts to please Him, He just wants my heart. That I can walk whatever path forward if i just let Him have my heart, my adoration, my love. It was quite an awakening for me.

And, let me say it came at an appropriate time as two weeks ago I was asked to consider remaining in South Africa indefinitely. I know that doing so makes a great deal of logical sense as I feel a majority of my life will be spent in Africa. Now, rather than looking to God for the clear direction I would have sought regarding the next step, I hear Him asking me, "what do you want to do?" Rather than feeling condemned if I say I don't know that I'm ready to stay here indefinitely, I am reassured with "it's okay--the choice is yours..." which has many implications, yet at the same time is so beautiful.

So now I dissect the corridors of my heart.

The road keeps winding...

It's been 16 days since the day I was supposed to pack up my things, cart my suitcases back to the airport and check myself in for my flight back home. But I didn't do any of those things besides the packing part, just in case.

My time here in South Africa has in ways been exactly what I expected, but in so many other ways, I was not anticipating God to move as He has in my life the past three months. It is those movements, difficult at times to embrace, that I finally let go of so many things in my life to make room and make way for the new season He has brought me to.

I knew before I came out here that God was doing something different, something very new in my life. I was confronted by relationships, rather a relationship, that I knew I would probably have to let go of in order to continue this journey I am on and have been on for the past five years. I didn't anticipate things (the relationship) to completely crumble apart, but it did.

The one thing that would have kept me in the USA indefinitely, gone. God knew I had a hard time letting it go so he separated me and then worked on cutting the ties that I had a hard time cutting myself. Painful--extremely, but at the very same time a new confirmation that I have been walking a path with a definite purpose.

Reflection...

My past three months have brought me alot of reflection. Voyaging into my heart, the pain, the questions, the fears, the anxiety, the desperation, the longing, the desire. I've been asking a lot of questions since I've been out here and God has been faithfully answering each one. Sometimes the answer comes from within my own spirit, sometimes through His word, sometimes the wisdom and words of a friend.

God has been whispering to me all along that He was taking me on a new journey. And I get it. It all makes sense to me.

I struggled for three or four years just getting to Africa initially. I knew that's where God wanted me but the timing wasn't right, or I wasn't ready to leave my family, needed to be grounded at work making my living... I knew when this opportunity came up it would be an easy way for me to dip my toe into the water and experience at least a little bit of what it might look like for me to be here more long term. What I didn't anticipate was that God would command me to stay here.

I can't tell you how long I wrestled with Him about it. Financially, I was already strapped and didn't want to continue dwindling down my savings account. God does call us to be wise stewards of our resources and somehow it didn't make sense to keep mine a-dwindling! My dad's heart was moved and he told me not to worry about it. Here I am, youngest of three, the one he didn't want to loose. He let me go--spread my wings, and rather than come home supports me staying in Africa. My mom too...she had an unbearable time hugging me at the airport and sending me off. Suddenly she was saying that she thought I should stay.

Then there was the "what ifs" that plagued me for so long. What if I go back now, maybe things can be repaired with the relationship? What if I am to go back and continue with things the way they were supposed to be, maybe that is what God really wants me to do? What if I don't go back now, I am going to be disappointing so many people? What if I can't find a job when I get back home? And on, and on...

I heard God saying very clearly to trust Him, seek Him, follow Him. I was reminded of a verse in the Gospel of Matthew..."anyone who looks back is not fit for ministry." That made perfect sense.

After all the prayer I knew what God was saying to me...that I knew the path all along. And I had. I had a feeling before I came that my purpose and my time may perhaps not have been what I had "signed up for" so to speak. (Quite literally). And watching various circumstances unravel themselves in the course of my 3 months, that was really quite clear. But I continued to struggle because it didn't seem right that I should come and not remain faithful to the original "plan" I was to stick to when I set off from the States. I thought about all the individuals I would be disappointing. But first and foremost I have to be faithful to God. I asked myself the question, "how can I be faithful when I am disappointing people?" God made it pretty clear again that He didn't want me to dwell on that but on the fullness of His grace and continue walking the path forward. Courage. It sometimes means that others may look down on us, but a man must do what he knows in his heart is right. Sigh...even if it means disappointing people.

So July 21st came and went.

God is faithful. He is opening doors and ministry opportunities and showing me day by day where to plant my next footstep.

Next week I get to attend an agricultural conference and training by an organization called Farming God's Way. Absolutely amazing and perfect timing. Three times since I've been here I heard God asking me if I would feed his children. I had no idea how to respond. I wanted to say yes but I didn't know what that looked like.

God gave me a clear indication...a vision, a dream, a community, and a community leader. So, when I come back from the conference, Lord willing, I will help teach people how to grow their own produce so that families can become self-sufficient and communities become sustainable as they provide one another with food.

I'm really tickled that God would allow me to serve in this capacity. It brings me back to my childhood in such a deep way when I would run and play in my grandpa's fields where he grew acres and acres of produce. It brings me back to hoeing the land, preparing the soil, and the many long labourous days planting the seeds. There is something about working the ground that makes you feel so close to God. Maybe it goes back to the start of creation, yes...I think so. I am delighted that in a way I get to share with my grandpa that a little of his farming "stuck" with me more than I may have thought it would.

And there are other doors opening up.

God is so close, so near and I stand at the edge of this great expanse ready to begin this ministry He's called me to. But at the same time, I feel the enemy lurking, wanting to pull away the good things God has ahead...the promises He has for me, the good things He desires to bless me with, the opportunities He's laid in front of me.

I sincerely ask for prayer. Prayer for wisdom to discern my steps forward, patience to allow God to go ahead, willingness to obey even when it might be hard and call forth sacrifice (which in so many ways is my own vulnerability and accepting myself). Boldness--not an easy thing for someone who can be quite shy and fearful of letting people close. That God would continue to guide all circumstances for His glory and for me to faithfully obey. For time management--that I concentrate and focus on the efforts where I can serve more effectively. For sensitivity to the way people do things here, for relationships to be strengthened and edified. To serve with humility, strength, and reverence the one who has called me here and has been sustaining me all along.

I'll write another blog soon...one not so focused on me, but I wanted to share what is going on in the depths of my heart.

To God be the glory forever, and ever, Amen.

A quick update...

I've joined a group of African leaders fasting and praying for Zim. Here is how they are steering their prayers...

* * *

We seek the Lord for Zimbabwe
Pray for the pastors and ministry leaders to find renewed strength and hope to care for their own families and also the people in their sphere of influence.

Pray for Zimbabwean leaders to put aside their differences and interests and seek a path of humble reconciliation for the good of all Zimbabweans.

Pray for world leaders and their representatives that would involve themselves in the current crisis in such a way as to bring Zimbabwe’s leaders together in a peaceful manner for negotiation purposes.

Pray about the 24 hour ultimatum given by Mr. Tsvangirai to President Mugabe. So far they have not come to the negotiating table.

Pray for the June 27 “election” that is still taking place tomorrow according to President Mugabe and his ruling party. The opposing party is not participating in the election and has chosen not to cast their votes. Tomorrow is a day of grave concern and uncertainty.

Pray that the Lord would intervene in Zimbabwe’s situation in such a glorious and powerful way that there is no doubt that the Lord’s help and care was present.

Pray the word “Enough. The Lord is enough for the cries and needs of the Zimbabwean people.”

Pray that the physical needs of the people would be met and that international aid organizations/NGO’s would be allowed to return to Zimbabwe to help.

Pray for the SART team as we continue to minister and support our Zimbabwean ministry partners.

They are praying and reading through:

2 Chronicles 20:1-13
1 After this, the Moabites and Ammonites with some of the Meunites came to make war on Jehoshaphat. 2 Some men came and told Jehoshaphat, "A vast army is coming against you from Edom, from the other side of the Sea. It is already in Hazazon Tamar" (that is, En Gedi). 3 Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord, and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah. 4 The people of Judah came together to seek help from the Lord; indeed, they came from every town in Judah to seek him. 5 Then Jehoshaphat stood up in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem at the temple of the Lord in the front of the new courtyard 6 and said: "O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you.

Just thought it was good to pray together so wanted to provide a quick little update. They are urging people to pray through June 29th.

For a quick article on what is going on:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/143250

Calling the vigilantes...

Those who know this journey I'm on know that even though I am in South Africa, it is just a stepping stone to Zimbabwe as that is the place my heart yearns to be. I urge you to be vigilant in prayer for this nation now and for the next 72 hours...they are critical.

Rhodesian, Rhodesia Zimbabwe, and then Zimbabwe. How much can one country endure? How much can its people endure?

It used to be a land of plenty, abundance for all, providing to other nations from its storehouse. But the people were robbed of their land, ordered to leave. Lands were seized and a dictatorship was formed. A dictatorship that has been oppressing its very own people for 28 years now.

Elections.

The chance for a new opportunity, hope for the people that have been living with so little. You cannot imagine this type of poverty and the status of Zim's economic conditions. And there are so few resources to go around.

I can only imagine the hope that people have clung to these past few months, knowing they had an opportunity to see change and then, having voted to end the cycle of oppression that they are under by the governance of Robert Mugabe. And then to have that hope snatched away so quickly by a relentless, and corrupt leader whose own pride makes him unable to acknowledge defeat.

He demanded another election.

It is on Friday, June 27th.

With violence all across the country, Mugabe's opposing candidate, Morgan Tsvangirai, announced he would no longer run against Mugabe because he could not stand the thought of his own people risking their lives to vote on Friday. He sought assylum in the Dutch Embassy.

Mugabe stated earlier last week, "Only God will remove me..."

How beautiful that would be.

One thing is happening, Africa is noticing. The land, its many people, its many tongues, are watching and waiting. Leaders from other countries, Angola, Rwanda, Swaziland, Tanzania are making their statements against this ruler. Is it an awakening?

(There are many political systems in Africa, throughout the land that are corrupt. Will this situation help awaken the people? I wonder...)

Back to "Only God will remove me..." a strong statement indeed.

Please join in prayer for Zimbabwe throughout this next 72 hours. The brutality that people have faced and been subject to has been intense -- many murdered being burnt alive. The violence has not stopped and some are concerned about genocide.

Join me in praying...

that God will hear the cry of the oppressed and be quick to grant courage and mercy

that God will awaken men who intend to do violence in the early morning hours with
strong dreams warning them to turn from their evil and violent ways. that these dreams would torment and haunt.

that those who are in the ZANU (Mugabe's ruling party) would have the blinders removed from their eyes, that they see clearly the destruction Mugabe has caused in the land and recognize him for who he is and has been

for protection for all the innocent, especially for women and children and churches and shephards, and ministry organizations

for courage to vote, for protection in doing so

that God will have His way with Mugabe

Those are my thoughts for now.

Let the angels in heaven come down and be swift to do battle against the principalities of evil that have gripped men's hearts in Zimbabwe. May the spiritual strongholds that have gripped the land be shaken loose, may God's promises be alive and visible in Zimbabwe.

Please, please be vigilant in prayer.

Putting back on my GoGo Boots...

After some much needed time away, I am feeling refreshed! I needed a safe place to go clear my head of the past couple weeks and find the comfort and support of trusted friends to share with and journey onward alongside. God works in such beautiful ways. I think of my friends, the DiCocco's and how God has allowed us the past four years to journey together as we have both entertained the calling and God wooing our hearts to Afria. Getting to this point has been nothing short of it's ups and downs, but here we all are. God has brought us out here almost simultaneously, and although we have landed in different places and are serving alongside different organizations, we serve this larger place--South Africa--and its people together. So I spilled the beans and poured out everything that was in my heart. The good, the not so pretty things that happened, my sensitive emotional status, my personal struggles, and the questions of "where do I go from here?" And they listened, and encouraged, and walked with me as we have been doing this past four years.

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. There is nothing that compares to community, when you truly find it.

So now I am recharged for this last leg of my short stint here. I am beginning to grow a little sorrowful that my time (for now) out here is almost over. I am ready to head back home but sad to leave this land too.

* * *

Today I got to spend time back in one of the communities with the tiny little Xhosa children. Ooh...there is nothing like a whole bunch of tiny wee ones delightfully gazing at you and grabbing onto your arms and legs saying a whole bunch of words in a language you don't understand. They were particularly curious of one part of me...

When I was 10 years old, I developed this odd capillary that began growing out of my skin. The doctor said that rather than growing underneath the surface of my skin it wanted to grow outward. I went through one laser removal process when I was 15 and it didn't work. At the time, I thought it was quite painful so I opted out of treatment number 2.

It is a peculiar sight and although I often wish it wasn't there, it is part of me that I have chosen to accept...:)

I now see exactly why God put it there on my neck.

Never have I seen children so delighted to look, touch, and gaze at my tiny red capillary in amazement, asking what it is and staring with fixed curiousity. Their delightfulness has also brought me many smiles and I realize I'm glad I kept my tiny little red bump.

Prayers answered

Most of the violence in and around Cape Town have come to an end. Thank you for praying about the events that have taken place in South Africa the past week. There is peace for the most part in most places right now, but many many homeless refugees. It is estimated that 70,000 people are now displaced from their homes. New communities have been formed for these refugees, however, the new land and space that has been sectioned for them is not large enough to contain everyone. Can you imagine being displaced from your home and having to flee, leaving behind all your belongings, your livelihood, and what little you had and having to start all over again with basically no money? Please keep these refugees in prayer, they could certainly use it as they have to start to rebuilding their lives.

On a separate note, I haven't really been blogging what is going on in my life. Right now I feel very spiritually attacked. There have been statements made behind my back and accusations made against me of things I have said but have not said and I'm very upset about it. This past weekend was extremely difficult, nearly unbearable. All I could do was pray. God brought me to Psalm 35...the very first verse reads, "Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me." Today I had a picture of the a battle being fought...I feel like I need strength to continue my journey here. Please pray for me.