interview.

Yesterday I had a phone interview for a position I have wanted since I was a freshman in college...it was for my ideal position at my ideal place of employment. Today I woke and checked my email, same as I do everyday. I received an email indicating that I will not be moving along further in the interview process. To some degree, I was stunned. I know my qualifications, skills and work ethic, my drive, that I am about as hardworking as they come and then probably 10x more than that...that I take initiative and am a self-starter and go-getter. That if you want someone who will perform a good job, than you should not hire me...only hire me if you want an exceptional worker who has a track record and professionalism that will go beyond the expected. As I reflect on the interview, two thoughts come to my mind...I was nervous because I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform, and second that perhaps (based on the questions I was asked) I was perceived as being more liberal and conflicting with their traditional views. Little do they know, I am not liberal whatsoever. That despite I believe everyone is made in the image of God and loved by him as his created being, that sin is sin and should not be condoned. But, if Christians are not willing to engage loving others who may be different then them and are redeemable, we fail to show the love of Christ and miss opportunities for redemption.

It made me think too, about how my older sister applied during her time as a student at this academic institution for a job as a RA. She did not receive the position because she, and I quote, "was the ideal candidate." Apparently she was too ideal for her answers to be real.

Knock, knock...real people exist who do speak honestly and may be ideal, because, simply put...they are. I hope that my life reflects that. That I would live a life that when it is finished, people would look back and be able to say here is someone who gave up being conventional and pursuing money, fame, admiration, gratification, praise, self-acclimation, and instead pursued God. I think a lot of times we live our lives running after the wrong things...to be looked up to, to achieve certain respect or praise from others, or positions that make us feel important, when really what matters is just being true to yourself and your relationship with God. In the end, it doesn't matter how many books you've written or people who have looked up to you, its just did you live and love God and love others the way God loves them. If you're a Christian, did you tell anyone about Jesus? If not, why not? Was it unconventional? In a world that says you can show people Christ's love through your actions, (and I agree), did you tell anyone about Christ? Did you claim to be a good person because you are, that's what your church is about, and what Christ would want you to do, or did you point to Christ who gives you even the capacity to love? I think some churches these days are marching in the wrong direction...serving to be more like Christ by doing more service. And it's great, it's a great thing to do more. But where is your heart in your service? Are you truly wanting to serve? Are you serving to be more like Jesus would want you to be or because your life has been transformed to the place where you are naturally compelled to serve? I think there's a shift that happens when we realize life should be less about ourselves and more about others...even those different from us.

Okay, that is a long tangent and perhaps an unnecessary one. I get opinionated sometimes, but at least I have an opinion.

Wisdom for the way forward...

In less than 1 month I will be done with the journey I had started when I went to Africa in April 2008. It is ending sooner than I thought, but at the same time, I know it is best for me on so many levels. I am beginning to realize also that it may take time to get back to Africa. I am at a point where I could just pack up and move for a while right back and would love nothing more than to do just that, but at the same time, I know these physical issues need to be resolved. The other part of me thinks I could certainly seek treatment overseas too...and it may even cost less to do that...I just need to be wise here and take the steps accordingly. I have finally found an amazing doctor here and she is on-the-ball and means business! I don't think it would be wise to leave at this juncture when I'm getting close to answers now and pinpointing what is going on. I think it also makes sense to get back to Africa properly having the funds in place to begin the ministries I would like to and have been invited to be part of. So, while I am here, I think I will begin the process of launching a non-profit and raising funds I'll need to live abroad for awhile.

I've been really thinking lately about how much time I put into living in the future and future planning...that sometimes it's easy to miss the here and now. I am going to challenge myself to start living more fully in the here and now. It doesn't mean losing sight of the journey or where I hope to be in x amount of time, but it does mean trying to enjoy where I am right now rather than be wishing I were always someplace else. :)

So, yes, transitions are coming...they are on the doorstep. I have no idea what I will be welcoming in, but I will welcome it one day at a time.

As I write all that out, I am still itching to get right back to Africa...but I think I need to restrain myself for a time...there is always a reason, I must remember...prayers please. :)

on discerning God's will...

I came across this link today--it's great! I wanted to share it for any others who may be asking difficult questions and trying to discern the Lord's voice.

hmmm...

well, for a while I was envisioning writing a book with a happy little title and happy tales of journeys come and gone and hopefully yet to come...but now I am thinking maybe I should change that to christian boundaries and the missions field...maybe the title could be "Serving with an Open Heart while Continually Being Squished--Finding Boundaries in Ministry and Missions." c 2010 bd -- Yes :) I think that's it!

prayers please.

I do wonder if anyone reads these little blogs of mine. If you are reading, whoever you may be, please pray for me. It has been a difficult week, friends and colleagues, and myself at the emergency room, medical bills that i have no idea how I am going to pay for, and a completely unsuspected turn of events with a tax appointment today just to top it off! I really thought I would get quite a substantial return, but instead its just the opposite. I don't know how to process this and what it means, how I should be discerning this all...please pray that the Lord's plan is fulfilled. I don't want my financial concerns to be a concern to me--God is bigger and in control, yet, I had been trying to prepare to return back to Africa and I see this as a disappointing set back...I don't know if I should look at it that way. Maybe God is just reiterating to trust Him and not my financial status. That is probably right, but I also want to be a wise steward of my resources...long sigh...oh, please pray for physical healing too. I really have some possible major medical things going on and need to figure out what to do about insurance, treatment, and the rest...can I add prayers for wisdom, discernment, and understanding. That God will grant me spiritual eyes to see what the bigger picture is and what He desires to teach me during this process. Thank you. God bless you.

Testimony

I was recently asked in an email to tell this person my testimony of how I came to know the Lord. Having just typed it up, I realize it is a good thing to put here on my blog too...so here it goes...

My relationship with the Lord began when I was a child, although I did not accept Christ as my Savior until I was 13. I grew up in a home where my parents brought us to church every Sunday and to Sunday school when we were too young for regular church. It is funny, but some of my earliest memories of childhood are when I was young sitting around in the circle of kids at Sunday school and singing 'Jesus Loves Me.' Looking back on that now, it is quite special and I see how Christ was already at work. :) Although my family went to church and both my parents loved the Lord, the home situation I grew up in was not the best. My parents fought constantly with one another. I would oftentimes cry myself to sleep and wouldn't understand why my parents would fight with one another. Sometimes I would ask God for new parents because I did not feel like mine loved me as they were so busy arguing with one another. God was always so very close, and I know that on those nights He was right there comforting me and working in my little heart.

When I was 8, for Easter, my sisters and I each received our very own Bible. It was a Precious Moments bible and I loved looking at the drawn photos inside. After a few weeks of looking just at the pictures I decided I should start reading it. So I did. Every night I would read several chapters. The chaos between my mom and dad continued, my grandma moved in with us as she had lymphoma and my mom began taking care of her. Eventually, my parents filed for divorce. As time passed, I continued reading but was slowly becoming a very hurt person...angry at my mom for having grandma move in, angry that mom filed for divorce, angry at my dad for yelling at my mom, and angry at my grandma for sucking away all my mom's time. I think I was mostly jealous for affection from one of my parents. But somehow, during that time period, I became most resentful of my grandma who I had loved so very much. I began pushing people away because I was so hurt. Eventually, my grandma passed away because of the cancer. I had in the months leading up to her death, pushed her away the most, making her feel she was an imposition, most likely. I did not intend on this to happen but it was my reaction to being hurt, and confused, and perhaps not even understanding what cancer was and how serious it also was. So, my grandma passed away when I was 11 and in the months prior, I do not feel like I loved her well. I held enormous guilt in my little heart and mind. My grandma had been there for me throughout the divorce. She taught me to draw well and paint, and I remember many special memories with her but somehow those memories grew dim and I wanted little to do with her.

From the time I was 11, my sisters and I would attend summer camp at a Christian youth center, at Camp Geneva and Cran Hill Ranch. I continued learning about Jesus and things were slowly soaking in. I especially was learning about forgiveness and that God still loved me despite how I had been so uncaring to my very ill grandmother. I realized that God did not want me to be angry, or bitter, or resentful, but to love people fully and deeply, even when I was hurting. I began to understand how Christ had been hurt by those who were closest to Him but it did not affect His love for them. Slowly, the words I had been reading in my Bible since I was 8 years old were all beginning to make good sense to me and I began to understand who Christ was in a new and real way. But somehow, I felt he couldn't love me...I felt like how could God love me when I hurt my grandma so very much? I felt very much unlovable. Yet, I continued reading my Bible, attending camps, and going to church and youth group.

I don't quite remember how or why, or what caused me to read this particular book, but when I was 13, I began reading this book about Discovering God's Will for your Life. I don't remember if that is the title of the book or not, but for some reason, that book landed its way in my lap. I was fascinated by it because the author wrote about how our lives have purpose and meaning and God had great plans for each one of us. I must have thought at the time, that really--even me who is unlovable, God has great plans for? Finally, I was excited. I thought maybe I knew God and accepted Christ, but I realized no, I didn't. I wanted to but I didn't because I didn't forgive myself. Finally, a few chapters later, the author was addressing those very feelings, writing about how they had hurt someone in their life and felt like God would never accept them, never forgive them, never love them. But then the author had this realization that Christ already did accept them, forgave them, and loved them and it was just that they had to forgive him/herself. There it was--my very question. And, in the midst of many sobs, I prayed that God would make a place for me in Heaven, that Christ would forgive me, and that I trusted myself now as His child and that indeed Christ forgave me. And from that day on, I had changed. My anger, bitterness, doubts, and feelings of unimportance all left. I began to love again...even when it was really hard. And slowly, Christ began working in my heart helping to heal the years of pain, so that I could be effective in loving others and reflecting His love.

Now, through the years, I have had some amazing answers to prayers...things I prayed as a young person, being answered years later...even my silly crazy prayers that really were just such silly requests, like "God if I am meant to sing, please let me one day have dinner with the Newsboys." Now, the Newsboys are a Christian rock band that I thought was the best thing ever when I was young. Funny thing, I think it was 10 years after I prayed that that there I was one day having dinner with the Newsboys! I think God did this to humor me but also show me that He had been listening to my heart all along--even when I wasn't even a Christian. But, through the years too, there have been more significant prayers that He has answered in His perfect timing and they have grown my faith and helped me to put all my trust in Him. I have learned that His hands are best and that we cannot fall out of His hands, ever. Because He was my rock through a very challenging childhood, He has grown my faith strong and it is solid. I know whatever comes to me in life, He will be my firm foundation. And, indeed He has been.

Let me tell you, when I was 16, I prayed that God would take me anywhere He wanted me to go in the World and that He would use me as His vessel. Since I prayed that prayer, He has certainly remembered my words and taken me up on it! Sometimes, I have been reluctant to follow. This, I think, is what began my journey to Africa. It was also the beginning of a journey that took me to California and to China, but for sake of time and brevity, I will stick to speaking about Africa only.

Now, when I was growing up, I had always wanted to be a missionary. And, I had always had this fascination with Africa. I don't know if it was because the animals are what initially drew me or what...but my junior year in college, my professor showed us a brief film he had made when he was in Africa on a missions trip. He was in a church and people were singing in their native language. Something struck my heart and I was just sitting there in class sobbing. I knew God was calling me to Africa.

After college, I graduated and moved to California to work at a Children's Home with children that had been abused and neglected. I had a special place for these children as many of them dealt with similar anger issues that I too dealt with growing up. What I didn't know when I accepted the position as Residential Counselor, was that many of these children were HIV+. I think had I known that going into the job, it would have scared me and I would have been saying, no thank you--not for me! But, when I did find out about it, I was okay with it. I knew that the risks were very minimal and it was very unlikely that it would even be a concern. So, this time I began opening my life and heart to those who were affected by HIV. You knew what children were because they had to get their blood drawn every month to check their T-cell count. In our house, at any given time, there were about 30% infected. I wasn't afraid. I loved the children as if they were my own, and leaving that job was about the hardest thing I've done in my life so far.

After working there for close to two years, I moved back to Michigan and began looking for a new job. It was a 6 month procedure! In the middle of that time, I watched a documentary on Africa and the faces of the starving children got me. One little child had a tear rolling down his cheek and I thought to myself--my gosh, I have never been in a position of having no food, and being that desperate. Tears, I think, are a universal language. We can all identify with pain. This little child's tear really got me and I felt like God was beginning to stir something deep within my Spirit. I began praying that He would put in my heart a vision and purpose for my life. I would pray and listen and pray, and I would strain for an answer but never hear anything. Finally, one night, He spoke...two words...AIDS and Africa...well, three words, AIDS, Africa, and Zimbabwe. Then I got this glimpse of myself going all over Africa helping to start these community development projects, feeding people, teaching new skills, creating schools, working with orphans and the sick.

Well, eventually, I became employed at Habitat for Humanity. I learned a lot being there, was involved at my church in HIV and AIDS outreach, and began becoming involved as an AIDS activist in my community, helping the community to recognize that it was affected by AIDS. But, even though I was busy and involved and was doing a lot, there was this ache to be in Africa...and I slowly started realizing that was where I needed to be. I just didn't know how that was going to happen and began praying for God to direct my steps and connect the dots. He did. I passed up an opportunity to go on a short-term mission trip to Rwanda in 2005 even though I desperately wanted to go. I just felt like it wasn't right. Immediately after I called my church and told them I would not be going, I felt God say that I was to begin my work in South Africa. I did not know at the time that my church was becoming involved in work in South Africa. A year later, the opportunity to go to South Africa became a reality and I found myself on a plane with a team of 8 heading to Johannesburg for 2 weeks. Now, I should add, that there were 2 teams forming...one to go to Johannesburg for 2 weeks in October 2006, and one to go to Cape Town in February 2007 for 2 weeks. I told myself, I would only go on one trip because that was all I could get off for vacation time, that I did not want to jeopardize my job, and that it financially would just be best. So, I went to Johannesburg to learn about community development work, about the cultures, about Apartheid and its fragments that still remain very real in people's lives today, and to see if there was any way I could be part of bringing hope. It was unfortunate because our team left Africa and I did not feel that we had accomplished the goals that were identified prior to our departure. But God had been busy in my heart.

We got back, and I felt like God was pursuing me to go to Cape Town in February. I thought to myself, there is no way I can go. I don't have the finances, my donors just contributed for me to go in October--it's only been less than 1 month, and I cannot ask them again. I nearly dismissed it, but the pursuit was growing...He was pursuing me to pursue going. So, I began the conversation with my church. And, what a blessing--my team stepped up, affirming that they really had strong feelings that I was also to be part of their team. Many of them contributed their own funds raised so that I could go! So I did. And, God made it clear why I was there. A few days into the trip, we sat down with the founding couple of one of the community development organization's and our team leader asked Pastor Thomas what his greatest 2 needs were. John stated, 1) a grant writer and 2) more funding. He then stated that he was heading to the States in 1 week to find a grant writer, at which time, our leader asked, "why would you do that, when we have brought one to you." That began a conversation that came to fruition in April 2008 when I finally got back to Africa.

Looking back on my life, I just see and am even more in awe, of how God has always been there. He's always been working and preparing me for the next steps, and even in the midst of the hard times, I can rest in Him. I'm so blessed by that.

Thank you Father.

So all my restlessness and squirming whilst waiting for decisions to be made is over...not because decisions are finally made but rather because God has given me new perspective and wisdom. I am amongst the counsel of great people who are wise and full of integrity and truth. Although it may be difficult to wait for answers, I can rest knowing that their intentions are good and they have my best interest at heart. I can rest knowing God is in control and it is going to happen His way. I can submit my will to His knowing it is good and perfect and the best. I can fully trust Him and His timing. Maybe I was too wrapped up in my own timing and anxious desire to get back to Africa and was trying to run ahead of God. I am thankful that His ways are perfect and that all I need to do is surrender and trust Him and rest fully in Him. Yes, there is still an overwhelming passion to get back, and that will keep me focused on pursuing the calling on my life, but in the meantime, I am to focus all my energy on being right where I am in the present and doing what I can to the best of my abilities. I am so thankful that this perspective has come so that I don't have to be so restless or divided and can concentrate with all my being on what is before me right now. I think that is the most important--being obedient in the day-to-day.

Speaking of that...I almost lost myself this weekend. I was really thinking about my growing restlessness and attributed it to my searching for home...not knowing where I was to be and when and yearning to settle down. That propelled me in this sporadic search for a home of my own. My thinking was perhaps a little fuzzy but at the time seemed quite logical. So, I got my pre-approval for a mortgage and set out house hunting. I stumbled across an amazing HUD home that had been foreclosed and it was immaculate inside, not to mention my monthly mortgage payment would have been only around $400 so with a couple roommates, would have yielded a wise investment. But, in the back of my head I had this lingering question of why was I out-and-about house hunting when I know I wouldn't be living for very long in the house but would be heading back to Africa. I thought to myself, "I'm not in Africa now, so while I am here, I should buy a house, after all, I am almost 30 and should have a house of my own." Desires for the house continued. On Saturday I made the arrangement with a Realtor to show my family the house on Sunday.

Now, it just about always happens that whatever church I end up at on Sundays, something hits me square in the head. Particularly this Sunday. I was going to attend Mars Hill, but decided instead to go to Res Life. The sermon could not have been more poignant. The message was on Dreaming God's Dreams. Pastor Duane spoke about how God puts dreams in our hearts and lives and referenced back to some of the people in the Bible. Oftentimes their dreams did not occur for many many years later...like Nehemiah. Nehemiah prayed that the walls would be restored and that God would send someone to rebuild them. It was him. Incidentally, Nehemiah was prepared. He was in the right position (cup bearer) to call for help from Kings of foreign lands who would help furnish the materials needed, he was in the position to request letters needed to cross through lands without paying taxes or tolls (in modern day language :) and he had a particular time frame in which he would be working. He was ready. Then Pastor Duane spoke about how when you are called to something and when God gives you a dream you either decide to pursue it or you don't. It's not you decide but keep dipping your toe into other pursuits...he gave the illustration of his courting of his wife Jeanie. He said when he decided to pursue Jeanie, he had to make the decision that Beth, Betty, Jane, and Sarah were no longer in the picture. Good, clear illustration of cutting off the things that hinder! For me it was the pursuit of the house. Not to say, I can never get a house here...but right now, as I am waiting for decisions to be made about my future, I need to be in a place of being ready. If work said they would like me to come back and be there for a while, I want to be in the place of being able to move, unencumbered by any obstacles. I knew I shouldn't go look at the house, but I still did and it took me down many a rabbit trail and being extremely overwhelmed and exhausted, and I wasted the whole day looking at houses that I didn't need. I am so thankful that God spoke, that he protected me from possible financial transactions, and that I am back at the place of just resting content in Him. I am thankful He continues to keep my focus sharp on the calling by continuing to speak into my life and drive my passions back to Africa.

It also made me think about other things I need to separate from in my life...none of them are bad...but I am realizing that there may be particular relationships, or rather the singular form, that need to come to an end in order to be fair to and just in pursuing the calling, and for the other person. If I already know where I am heading, then I do not selfishly want to continue a relationship that I know would not continue if I were there. Yet, it's hard and I keep telling myself that I'm not there yet...and what if the relationship is the right blessing God wants to give me and I am refusing to accept it. But inside there is this other sense that I just know it will be impossible to continue if I am there and I don't think it's fair to continue that...so I will soon have to do what is often very hard for me.

I am also reminded that I need to start getting the "plans" on paper and to begin putting into place the actions I need to take and when to make steps towards getting back to Africa. I think that is why I am to continue now in the States. To secure the funding and the skills, and the networks needed to get these dreams to start taking shape.

I am also beginning to realize that I may not head back to South Africa long-term. I feel I may be heading straight to Zimbabwe. It scares me a little knowing all that is happening there and that several individuals have stated they would not advise me to set foot there anytime soon. I want to heed their cautions and warnings, but at the same time, I know that is where God has called me. I am reminded of the words that came instructing me to go there. Just yesterday I read a write up in the paper about the food scarcity in Zim and was reminded of when God questioned me, asking, "Will you feed my sheep?" I am reminded of the connection now to Farming God's Way and I am aware that that is for a purpose. I need to reconnect with them. I am reminded that we are never more safe than when we are in the center of God's will. I trust that He will protect me wherever I go and that I shouldn't be afraid. Perhaps most important now is seeking out those who will be praying for me as I prepare to go.

So, here I am finding myself all sorted out. I have goals to work towards while I am here which will help me eventually get back to Africa. I have made the choice to pursue the calling at whatever cost and whatever I am to give up or let go of. Now it is just stepping one step at a time, not running on ahead, praying for wisdom and discernment, and preparing for whatever is before me.

On a separate note, for some seven years now, I have been praying for a partner in ministry...in my little ideal situation, that partner would be a spouse. But you know what, during my time in South Africa, and after, I have realized that I have already had the partner in ministry that I have been longing for all along. I have Jesus as my guide, leading and clearing the way, and He will bring people into my life who will help me as I journey. I am really blessed. I just need to continue to rest in Him because He is really all I need. And so, I am content in all my circumstances at the present moment in time. I have peace. I have rest. I have goals and plans and dreams. I have the best guide and helper ever and that is all I need. Thank you Father.