In the waiting room and finding it difficult to wait...

Rewind...back to the end of November. I was beginning to realize that it would be valuable and important to get back to South Africa and spend some time with the organization I am working for. It's been a while since I've spent time with them and there have been a number of changes. Apart from the information gathering that would be helpful to me to continue in my current role I really wanted deeply to connect with everyone again. It's hard to be hundreds of miles away and writing like a busy bee all the proposals I am, without having people around who are also passionate about that work...no one to talk to (besides on skype). So I sit at my computer desk day in and day out, writing, writing, writing, sometimes making phone calls, but usually writing. I was so excited so I asked if I could come and work from there for a little while. No response. I asked again. No response.

Finally, about 1.5 months passes and I ask again. This time the answer is different--it is not as I expected--"the sure, it would be good to have you here" that I was hoping for, but to keep waiting.

I'm a bit disappointed...well, let's be honest, more than a bit. I tried to convey how important I thought it would be for me to spend time back at the organization, but nope. I'm sure there is good reason for the decision that was made. In some ways it is reiterating to me a growing angst...that maybe what I am supposed to do requires some separation from an organization and me stepping out more on my own. It's hard to do that completely being a stranger to the land, having a different skin color, and speaking a different language. Yet, I am slowly realizing that I think I need to abide in His grace and step out in faith.

There is also something else I keep thinking about. When in South Africa a while back, I felt God was saying to me to "stand by (a certain person's) side and support (this person) in all that they do." That is a pretty clear directive and perhaps the very clarity I had been praying for. I wrestle with knowing what that means and looks like and have a desire to obey. I guess in time, it would begin to become more clear. I wonder if I should say something to this person? Hmmm...

So, I am beginning to realize that it's time for another conversation to happen...this time regarding moving closer to what I feel God is calling me to. I'm not sure how that will go over when there has not been a great deal of understanding up to this point, but all I can do is be honest with where I am at and live by my convictions to do what is right no matter what the repercussions are. I know I need to be obedient to Christ and that is my desire.

So, here's to having the conversation and all it's repercussions. I am so thankful that the Lord is in control. When we are faithful, He is faithful. When we are not faithful, He remains faithful still. Such great love...