The road keeps winding...

It's been 16 days since the day I was supposed to pack up my things, cart my suitcases back to the airport and check myself in for my flight back home. But I didn't do any of those things besides the packing part, just in case.

My time here in South Africa has in ways been exactly what I expected, but in so many other ways, I was not anticipating God to move as He has in my life the past three months. It is those movements, difficult at times to embrace, that I finally let go of so many things in my life to make room and make way for the new season He has brought me to.

I knew before I came out here that God was doing something different, something very new in my life. I was confronted by relationships, rather a relationship, that I knew I would probably have to let go of in order to continue this journey I am on and have been on for the past five years. I didn't anticipate things (the relationship) to completely crumble apart, but it did.

The one thing that would have kept me in the USA indefinitely, gone. God knew I had a hard time letting it go so he separated me and then worked on cutting the ties that I had a hard time cutting myself. Painful--extremely, but at the very same time a new confirmation that I have been walking a path with a definite purpose.

Reflection...

My past three months have brought me alot of reflection. Voyaging into my heart, the pain, the questions, the fears, the anxiety, the desperation, the longing, the desire. I've been asking a lot of questions since I've been out here and God has been faithfully answering each one. Sometimes the answer comes from within my own spirit, sometimes through His word, sometimes the wisdom and words of a friend.

God has been whispering to me all along that He was taking me on a new journey. And I get it. It all makes sense to me.

I struggled for three or four years just getting to Africa initially. I knew that's where God wanted me but the timing wasn't right, or I wasn't ready to leave my family, needed to be grounded at work making my living... I knew when this opportunity came up it would be an easy way for me to dip my toe into the water and experience at least a little bit of what it might look like for me to be here more long term. What I didn't anticipate was that God would command me to stay here.

I can't tell you how long I wrestled with Him about it. Financially, I was already strapped and didn't want to continue dwindling down my savings account. God does call us to be wise stewards of our resources and somehow it didn't make sense to keep mine a-dwindling! My dad's heart was moved and he told me not to worry about it. Here I am, youngest of three, the one he didn't want to loose. He let me go--spread my wings, and rather than come home supports me staying in Africa. My mom too...she had an unbearable time hugging me at the airport and sending me off. Suddenly she was saying that she thought I should stay.

Then there was the "what ifs" that plagued me for so long. What if I go back now, maybe things can be repaired with the relationship? What if I am to go back and continue with things the way they were supposed to be, maybe that is what God really wants me to do? What if I don't go back now, I am going to be disappointing so many people? What if I can't find a job when I get back home? And on, and on...

I heard God saying very clearly to trust Him, seek Him, follow Him. I was reminded of a verse in the Gospel of Matthew..."anyone who looks back is not fit for ministry." That made perfect sense.

After all the prayer I knew what God was saying to me...that I knew the path all along. And I had. I had a feeling before I came that my purpose and my time may perhaps not have been what I had "signed up for" so to speak. (Quite literally). And watching various circumstances unravel themselves in the course of my 3 months, that was really quite clear. But I continued to struggle because it didn't seem right that I should come and not remain faithful to the original "plan" I was to stick to when I set off from the States. I thought about all the individuals I would be disappointing. But first and foremost I have to be faithful to God. I asked myself the question, "how can I be faithful when I am disappointing people?" God made it pretty clear again that He didn't want me to dwell on that but on the fullness of His grace and continue walking the path forward. Courage. It sometimes means that others may look down on us, but a man must do what he knows in his heart is right. Sigh...even if it means disappointing people.

So July 21st came and went.

God is faithful. He is opening doors and ministry opportunities and showing me day by day where to plant my next footstep.

Next week I get to attend an agricultural conference and training by an organization called Farming God's Way. Absolutely amazing and perfect timing. Three times since I've been here I heard God asking me if I would feed his children. I had no idea how to respond. I wanted to say yes but I didn't know what that looked like.

God gave me a clear indication...a vision, a dream, a community, and a community leader. So, when I come back from the conference, Lord willing, I will help teach people how to grow their own produce so that families can become self-sufficient and communities become sustainable as they provide one another with food.

I'm really tickled that God would allow me to serve in this capacity. It brings me back to my childhood in such a deep way when I would run and play in my grandpa's fields where he grew acres and acres of produce. It brings me back to hoeing the land, preparing the soil, and the many long labourous days planting the seeds. There is something about working the ground that makes you feel so close to God. Maybe it goes back to the start of creation, yes...I think so. I am delighted that in a way I get to share with my grandpa that a little of his farming "stuck" with me more than I may have thought it would.

And there are other doors opening up.

God is so close, so near and I stand at the edge of this great expanse ready to begin this ministry He's called me to. But at the same time, I feel the enemy lurking, wanting to pull away the good things God has ahead...the promises He has for me, the good things He desires to bless me with, the opportunities He's laid in front of me.

I sincerely ask for prayer. Prayer for wisdom to discern my steps forward, patience to allow God to go ahead, willingness to obey even when it might be hard and call forth sacrifice (which in so many ways is my own vulnerability and accepting myself). Boldness--not an easy thing for someone who can be quite shy and fearful of letting people close. That God would continue to guide all circumstances for His glory and for me to faithfully obey. For time management--that I concentrate and focus on the efforts where I can serve more effectively. For sensitivity to the way people do things here, for relationships to be strengthened and edified. To serve with humility, strength, and reverence the one who has called me here and has been sustaining me all along.

I'll write another blog soon...one not so focused on me, but I wanted to share what is going on in the depths of my heart.

To God be the glory forever, and ever, Amen.