Finally Back in South Africa

interview.

2010-05-06T11:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had a phone interview for a position I have wanted since I was a freshman in college...it was for my ideal position at my ideal place of employment. Today I woke and checked my email, same as I do everyday. I received an email indicating that I will not be moving along further in the interview process. To some degree, I was stunned. I know my qualifications, skills and work ethic, my drive, that I am about as hardworking as they come and then probably 10x more than that...that I take initiative and am a self-starter and go-getter. That if you want someone who will perform a good job, than you should not hire me...only hire me if you want an exceptional worker who has a track record and professionalism that will go beyond the expected. As I reflect on the interview, two thoughts come to my mind...I was nervous because I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform, and second that perhaps (based on the questions I was asked) I was perceived as being more liberal and conflicting with their traditional views. Little do they know, I am not liberal whatsoever. That despite I believe everyone is made in the image of God and loved by him as his created being, that sin is sin and should not be condoned. But, if Christians are not willing to engage loving others who may be different then them and are redeemable, we fail to show the love of Christ and miss opportunities for redemption.

It made me think too, about how my older sister applied during her time as a student at this academic institution for a job as a RA. She did not receive the position because she, and I quote, "was the ideal candidate." Apparently she was too ideal for her answers to be real.

Knock, knock...real people exist who do speak honestly and may be ideal, because, simply put...they are. I hope that my life reflects that. That I would live a life that when it is finished, people would look back and be able to say here is someone who gave up being conventional and pursuing money, fame, admiration, gratification, praise, self-acclimation, and instead pursued God. I think a lot of times we live our lives running after the wrong things...to be looked up to, to achieve certain respect or praise from others, or positions that make us feel important, when really what matters is just being true to yourself and your relationship with God. In the end, it doesn't matter how many books you've written or people who have looked up to you, its just did you live and love God and love others the way God loves them. If you're a Christian, did you tell anyone about Jesus? If not, why not? Was it unconventional? In a world that says you can show people Christ's love through your actions, (and I agree), did you tell anyone about Christ? Did you claim to be a good person because you are, that's what your church is about, and what Christ would want you to do, or did you point to Christ who gives you even the capacity to love? I think some churches these days are marching in the wrong direction...serving to be more like Christ by doing more service. And it's great, it's a great thing to do more. But where is your heart in your service? Are you truly wanting to serve? Are you serving to be more like Jesus would want you to be or because your life has been transformed to the place where you are naturally compelled to serve? I think there's a shift that happens when we realize life should be less about ourselves and more about others...even those different from us.

Okay, that is a long tangent and perhaps an unnecessary one. I get opinionated sometimes, but at least I have an opinion.

Wisdom for the way forward...

2010-04-08T08:11:00.001-07:00

In less than 1 month I will be done with the journey I had started when I went to Africa in April 2008. It is ending sooner than I thought, but at the same time, I know it is best for me on so many levels. I am beginning to realize also that it may take time to get back to Africa. I am at a point where I could just pack up and move for a while right back and would love nothing more than to do just that, but at the same time, I know these physical issues need to be resolved. The other part of me thinks I could certainly seek treatment overseas too...and it may even cost less to do that...I just need to be wise here and take the steps accordingly. I have finally found an amazing doctor here and she is on-the-ball and means business! I don't think it would be wise to leave at this juncture when I'm getting close to answers now and pinpointing what is going on. I think it also makes sense to get back to Africa properly having the funds in place to begin the ministries I would like to and have been invited to be part of. So, while I am here, I think I will begin the process of launching a non-profit and raising funds I'll need to live abroad for awhile.

I've been really thinking lately about how much time I put into living in the future and future planning...that sometimes it's easy to miss the here and now. I am going to challenge myself to start living more fully in the here and now. It doesn't mean losing sight of the journey or where I hope to be in x amount of time, but it does mean trying to enjoy where I am right now rather than be wishing I were always someplace else. :)

So, yes, transitions are coming...they are on the doorstep. I have no idea what I will be welcoming in, but I will welcome it one day at a time.

As I write all that out, I am still itching to get right back to Africa...but I think I need to restrain myself for a time...there is always a reason, I must remember...prayers please. :)

on discerning God's will...

2010-03-09T10:00:00.001-08:00

I came across this link today--it's great! I wanted to share it for any others who may be asking difficult questions and trying to discern the Lord's voice.

hmmm...

2010-02-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

well, for a while I was envisioning writing a book with a happy little title and happy tales of journeys come and gone and hopefully yet to come...but now I am thinking maybe I should change that to christian boundaries and the missions field...maybe the title could be "Serving with an Open Heart while Continually Being Squished--Finding Boundaries in Ministry and Missions." c 2010 bd -- Yes :) I think that's it!

prayers please.

2010-02-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

I do wonder if anyone reads these little blogs of mine. If you are reading, whoever you may be, please pray for me. It has been a difficult week, friends and colleagues, and myself at the emergency room, medical bills that i have no idea how I am going to pay for, and a completely unsuspected turn of events with a tax appointment today just to top it off! I really thought I would get quite a substantial return, but instead its just the opposite. I don't know how to process this and what it means, how I should be discerning this all...please pray that the Lord's plan is fulfilled. I don't want my financial concerns to be a concern to me--God is bigger and in control, yet, I had been trying to prepare to return back to Africa and I see this as a disappointing set back...I don't know if I should look at it that way. Maybe God is just reiterating to trust Him and not my financial status. That is probably right, but I also want to be a wise steward of my resources...long sigh...oh, please pray for physical healing too. I really have some possible major medical things going on and need to figure out what to do about insurance, treatment, and the rest...can I add prayers for wisdom, discernment, and understanding. That God will grant me spiritual eyes to see what the bigger picture is and what He desires to teach me during this process. Thank you. God bless you.

Testimony

2010-02-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

I was recently asked in an email to tell this person my testimony of how I came to know the Lord. Having just typed it up, I realize it is a good thing to put here on my blog too...so here it goes...

My relationship with the Lord began when I was a child, although I did not accept Christ as my Savior until I was 13. I grew up in a home where my parents brought us to church every Sunday and to Sunday school when we were too young for regular church. It is funny, but some of my earliest memories of childhood are when I was young sitting around in the circle of kids at Sunday school and singing 'Jesus Loves Me.' Looking back on that now, it is quite special and I see how Christ was already at work. :) Although my family went to church and both my parents loved the Lord, the home situation I grew up in was not the best. My parents fought constantly with one another. I would oftentimes cry myself to sleep and wouldn't understand why my parents would fight with one another. Sometimes I would ask God for new parents because I did not feel like mine loved me as they were so busy arguing with one another. God was always so very close, and I know that on those nights He was right there comforting me and working in my little heart.

When I was 8, for Easter, my sisters and I each received our very own Bible. It was a Precious Moments bible and I loved looking at the drawn photos inside. After a few weeks of looking just at the pictures I decided I should start reading it. So I did. Every night I would read several chapters. The chaos between my mom and dad continued, my grandma moved in with us as she had lymphoma and my mom began taking care of her. Eventually, my parents filed for divorce. As time passed, I continued reading but was slowly becoming a very hurt person...angry at my mom for having grandma move in, angry that mom filed for divorce, angry at my dad for yelling at my mom, and angry at my grandma for sucking away all my mom's time. I think I was mostly jealous for affection from one of my parents. But somehow, during that time period, I became most resentful of my grandma who I had loved so very much. I began pushing people away because I was so hurt. Eventually, my grandma passed away because of the cancer. I had in the months leading up to her death, pushed her away the most, making her feel she was an imposition, most likely. I did not intend on this to happen but it was my reaction to being hurt, and confused, and perhaps not even understanding what cancer was and how serious it also was. So, my grandma passed away when I was 11 and in the months prior, I do not feel like I loved her well. I held enormous guilt in my little heart and mind. My grandma had been there for me throughout the divorce. She taught me to draw well and paint, and I remember many special memories with her but somehow those memories grew dim and I wanted little to do with her.

From the time I was 11, my sisters and I would attend summer camp at a Christian youth center, at Camp Geneva and Cran Hill Ranch. I continued learning about Jesus and things were slowly soaking in. I especially was learning about forgiveness and that God still loved me despite how I had been so uncaring to my very ill grandmother. I realized that God did not want me to be angry, or bitter, or resentful, but to love people fully and deeply, even when I was hurting. I began to understand how Christ had been hurt by those who were closest to Him but it did not affect His love for them. Slowly, the words I had been reading in my Bible since I was 8 years old were all beginning to make good sense to me and I began to understand who Christ was in a new and real way. But somehow, I felt he couldn't love me...I felt like how could God love me when I hurt my grandma so very much? I felt very much unlovable. Yet, I continued reading my Bible, attending camps, and going to church and youth group.

I don't quite remember how or why, or what caused me to read this particular book, but when I was 13, I began reading this book about Discovering God's Will for your Life. I don't remember if that is the title of the book or not, but for some reason, that book landed its way in my lap. I was fascinated by it because the author wrote about how our lives have purpose and meaning and God had great plans for each one of us. I must have thought at the time, that really--even me who is unlovable, God has great plans for? Finally, I was excited. I thought maybe I knew God and accepted Christ, but I realized no, I didn't. I wanted to but I didn't because I didn't forgive myself. Finally, a few chapters later, the author was addressing those very feelings, writing about how they had hurt someone in their life and felt like God would never accept them, never forgive them, never love them. But then the author had this realization that Christ already did accept them, forgave them, and loved them and it was just that they had to forgive him/herself. There it was--my very question. And, in the midst of many sobs, I prayed that God would make a place for me in Heaven, that Christ would forgive me, and that I trusted myself now as His child and that indeed Christ forgave me. And from that day on, I had changed. My anger, bitterness, doubts, and feelings of unimportance all left. I began to love again...even when it was really hard. And slowly, Christ began working in my heart helping to heal the years of pain, so that I could be effective in loving others and reflecting His love.

Now, through the years, I have had some amazing answers to prayers...things I prayed as a young person, being answered years later...even my silly crazy prayers that really were just such silly requests, like "God if I am meant to sing, please let me one day have dinner with the Newsboys." Now, the Newsboys are a Christian rock band that I thought was the best thing ever when I was young. Funny thing, I think it was 10 years after I prayed that that there I was one day having dinner with the Newsboys! I think God did this to humor me but also show me that He had been listening to my heart all along--even when I wasn't even a Christian. But, through the years too, there have been more significant prayers that He has answered in His perfect timing and they have grown my faith and helped me to put all my trust in Him. I have learned that His hands are best and that we cannot fall out of His hands, ever. Because He was my rock through a very challenging childhood, He has grown my faith strong and it is solid. I know whatever comes to me in life, He will be my firm foundation. And, indeed He has been.

Let me tell you, when I was 16, I prayed that God would take me anywhere He wanted me to go in the World and that He would use me as His vessel. Since I prayed that prayer, He has certainly remembered my words and taken me up on it! Sometimes, I have been reluctant to follow. This, I think, is what began my journey to Africa. It was also the beginning of a journey that took me to California and to China, but for sake of time and brevity, I will stick to speaking about Africa only.

Now, when I was growing up, I had always wanted to be a missionary. And, I had always had this fascination with Africa. I don't know if it was because the animals are what initially drew me or what...but my junior year in college, my professor showed us a brief film he had made when he was in Africa on a missions trip. He was in a church and people were singing in their native language. Something struck my heart and I was just sitting there in class sobbing. I knew God was calling me to Africa.

After college, I graduated and moved to California to work at a Children's Home with children that had been abused and neglected. I had a special place for these children as many of them dealt with similar anger issues that I too dealt with growing up. What I didn't know when I accepted the position as Residential Counselor, was that many of these children were HIV+. I think had I known that going into the job, it would have scared me and I would have been saying, no thank you--not for me! But, when I did find out about it, I was okay with it. I knew that the risks were very minimal and it was very unlikely that it would even be a concern. So, this time I began opening my life and heart to those who were affected by HIV. You knew what children were because they had to get their blood drawn every month to check their T-cell count. In our house, at any given time, there were about 30% infected. I wasn't afraid. I loved the children as if they were my own, and leaving that job was about the hardest thing I've done in my life so far.

After working there for close to two years, I moved back to Michigan and began looking for a new job. It was a 6 month procedure! In the middle of that time, I watched a documentary on Africa and the faces of the starving children got me. One little child had a tear rolling down his cheek and I thought to myself--my gosh, I have never been in a position of having no food, and being that desperate. Tears, I think, are a universal language. We can all identify with pain. This little child's tear really got me and I felt like God was beginning to stir something deep within my Spirit. I began praying that He would put in my heart a vision and purpose for my life. I would pray and listen and pray, and I would strain for an answer but never hear anything. Finally, one night, He spoke...two words...AIDS and Africa...well, three words, AIDS, Africa, and Zimbabwe. Then I got this glimpse of myself going all over Africa helping to start these community development projects, feeding people, teaching new skills, creating schools, working with orphans and the sick.

Well, eventually, I became employed at Habitat for Humanity. I learned a lot being there, was involved at my church in HIV and AIDS outreach, and began becoming involved as an AIDS activist in my community, helping the community to recognize that it was affected by AIDS. But, even though I was busy and involved and was doing a lot, there was this ache to be in Africa...and I slowly started realizing that was where I needed to be. I just didn't know how that was going to happen and began praying for God to direct my steps and connect the dots. He did. I passed up an opportunity to go on a short-term mission trip to Rwanda in 2005 even though I desperately wanted to go. I just felt like it wasn't right. Immediately after I called my church and told them I would not be going, I felt God say that I was to begin my work in South Africa. I did not know at the time that my church was becoming involved in work in South Africa. A year later, the opportunity to go to South Africa became a reality and I found myself on a plane with a team of 8 heading to Johannesburg for 2 weeks. Now, I should add, that there were 2 teams forming...one to go to Johannesburg for 2 weeks in October 2006, and one to go to Cape Town in February 2007 for 2 weeks. I told myself, I would only go on one trip because that was all I could get off for vacation time, that I did not want to jeopardize my job, and that it financially would just be best. So, I went to Johannesburg to learn about community development work, about the cultures, about Apartheid and its fragments that still remain very real in people's lives today, and to see if there was any way I could be part of bringing hope. It was unfortunate because our team left Africa and I did not feel that we had accomplished the goals that were identified prior to our departure. But God had been busy in my heart.

We got back, and I felt like God was pursuing me to go to Cape Town in February. I thought to myself, there is no way I can go. I don't have the finances, my donors just contributed for me to go in October--it's only been less than 1 month, and I cannot ask them again. I nearly dismissed it, but the pursuit was growing...He was pursuing me to pursue going. So, I began the conversation with my church. And, what a blessing--my team stepped up, affirming that they really had strong feelings that I was also to be part of their team. Many of them contributed their own funds raised so that I could go! So I did. And, God made it clear why I was there. A few days into the trip, we sat down with the founding couple of one of the community development organization's and our team leader asked Pastor Thomas what his greatest 2 needs were. John stated, 1) a grant writer and 2) more funding. He then stated that he was heading to the States in 1 week to find a grant writer, at which time, our leader asked, "why would you do that, when we have brought one to you." That began a conversation that came to fruition in April 2008 when I finally got back to Africa.

Looking back on my life, I just see and am even more in awe, of how God has always been there. He's always been working and preparing me for the next steps, and even in the midst of the hard times, I can rest in Him. I'm so blessed by that.

Thank you Father.

2010-02-09T04:57:00.000-08:00

So all my restlessness and squirming whilst waiting for decisions to be made is over...not because decisions are finally made but rather because God has given me new perspective and wisdom. I am amongst the counsel of great people who are wise and full of integrity and truth. Although it may be difficult to wait for answers, I can rest knowing that their intentions are good and they have my best interest at heart. I can rest knowing God is in control and it is going to happen His way. I can submit my will to His knowing it is good and perfect and the best. I can fully trust Him and His timing. Maybe I was too wrapped up in my own timing and anxious desire to get back to Africa and was trying to run ahead of God. I am thankful that His ways are perfect and that all I need to do is surrender and trust Him and rest fully in Him. Yes, there is still an overwhelming passion to get back, and that will keep me focused on pursuing the calling on my life, but in the meantime, I am to focus all my energy on being right where I am in the present and doing what I can to the best of my abilities. I am so thankful that this perspective has come so that I don't have to be so restless or divided and can concentrate with all my being on what is before me right now. I think that is the most important--being obedient in the day-to-day.

Speaking of that...I almost lost myself this weekend. I was really thinking about my growing restlessness and attributed it to my searching for home...not knowing where I was to be and when and yearning to settle down. That propelled me in this sporadic search for a home of my own. My thinking was perhaps a little fuzzy but at the time seemed quite logical. So, I got my pre-approval for a mortgage and set out house hunting. I stumbled across an amazing HUD home that had been foreclosed and it was immaculate inside, not to mention my monthly mortgage payment would have been only around $400 so with a couple roommates, would have yielded a wise investment. But, in the back of my head I had this lingering question of why was I out-and-about house hunting when I know I wouldn't be living for very long in the house but would be heading back to Africa. I thought to myself, "I'm not in Africa now, so while I am here, I should buy a house, after all, I am almost 30 and should have a house of my own." Desires for the house continued. On Saturday I made the arrangement with a Realtor to show my family the house on Sunday.

Now, it just about always happens that whatever church I end up at on Sundays, something hits me square in the head. Particularly this Sunday. I was going to attend Mars Hill, but decided instead to go to Res Life. The sermon could not have been more poignant. The message was on Dreaming God's Dreams. Pastor Duane spoke about how God puts dreams in our hearts and lives and referenced back to some of the people in the Bible. Oftentimes their dreams did not occur for many many years later...like Nehemiah. Nehemiah prayed that the walls would be restored and that God would send someone to rebuild them. It was him. Incidentally, Nehemiah was prepared. He was in the right position (cup bearer) to call for help from Kings of foreign lands who would help furnish the materials needed, he was in the position to request letters needed to cross through lands without paying taxes or tolls (in modern day language :) and he had a particular time frame in which he would be working. He was ready. Then Pastor Duane spoke about how when you are called to something and when God gives you a dream you either decide to pursue it or you don't. It's not you decide but keep dipping your toe into other pursuits...he gave the illustration of his courting of his wife Jeanie. He said when he decided to pursue Jeanie, he had to make the decision that Beth, Betty, Jane, and Sarah were no longer in the picture. Good, clear illustration of cutting off the things that hinder! For me it was the pursuit of the house. Not to say, I can never get a house here...but right now, as I am waiting for decisions to be made about my future, I need to be in a place of being ready. If work said they would like me to come back and be there for a while, I want to be in the place of being able to move, unencumbered by any obstacles. I knew I shouldn't go look at the house, but I still did and it took me down many a rabbit trail and being extremely overwhelmed and exhausted, and I wasted the whole day looking at houses that I didn't need. I am so thankful that God spoke, that he protected me from possible financial transactions, and that I am back at the place of just resting content in Him. I am thankful He continues to keep my focus sharp on the calling by continuing to speak into my life and drive my passions back to Africa.

It also made me think about other things I need to separate from in my life...none of them are bad...but I am realizing that there may be particular relationships, or rather the singular form, that need to come to an end in order to be fair to and just in pursuing the calling, and for the other person. If I already know where I am heading, then I do not selfishly want to continue a relationship that I know would not continue if I were there. Yet, it's hard and I keep telling myself that I'm not there yet...and what if the relationship is the right blessing God wants to give me and I am refusing to accept it. But inside there is this other sense that I just know it will be impossible to continue if I am there and I don't think it's fair to continue that...so I will soon have to do what is often very hard for me.

I am also reminded that I need to start getting the "plans" on paper and to begin putting into place the actions I need to take and when to make steps towards getting back to Africa. I think that is why I am to continue now in the States. To secure the funding and the skills, and the networks needed to get these dreams to start taking shape.

I am also beginning to realize that I may not head back to South Africa long-term. I feel I may be heading straight to Zimbabwe. It scares me a little knowing all that is happening there and that several individuals have stated they would not advise me to set foot there anytime soon. I want to heed their cautions and warnings, but at the same time, I know that is where God has called me. I am reminded of the words that came instructing me to go there. Just yesterday I read a write up in the paper about the food scarcity in Zim and was reminded of when God questioned me, asking, "Will you feed my sheep?" I am reminded of the connection now to Farming God's Way and I am aware that that is for a purpose. I need to reconnect with them. I am reminded that we are never more safe than when we are in the center of God's will. I trust that He will protect me wherever I go and that I shouldn't be afraid. Perhaps most important now is seeking out those who will be praying for me as I prepare to go.

So, here I am finding myself all sorted out. I have goals to work towards while I am here which will help me eventually get back to Africa. I have made the choice to pursue the calling at whatever cost and whatever I am to give up or let go of. Now it is just stepping one step at a time, not running on ahead, praying for wisdom and discernment, and preparing for whatever is before me.

On a separate note, for some seven years now, I have been praying for a partner in ministry...in my little ideal situation, that partner would be a spouse. But you know what, during my time in South Africa, and after, I have realized that I have already had the partner in ministry that I have been longing for all along. I have Jesus as my guide, leading and clearing the way, and He will bring people into my life who will help me as I journey. I am really blessed. I just need to continue to rest in Him because He is really all I need. And so, I am content in all my circumstances at the present moment in time. I have peace. I have rest. I have goals and plans and dreams. I have the best guide and helper ever and that is all I need. Thank you Father.

so hard to be so far away from where my heart desires to be

2010-02-03T13:00:00.000-08:00

I just want to keep it real. But plenty of tears come today. I'm really struggling with what I am to do. I am in a position in my work to make such a difference and seek the financial support to help the organization do its work on the ground...the ripple effect I must remember...yet there is this ache to be in the communities I have come to love and grown to miss. I don't know how to reconcile those two things. The inner struggle is becoming my own torture as I try to keep myself going here...but the struggle is intensifying. Maybe I just need to be patient and keep holding on and trust His timing. I wonder why this eagerness to get there now is building so strongly the last couple months...maybe its just cause I've been away for a long while. Or, is it an indication I am to just go now? I can't possibly see how I can do that when I am in my position here. I'm sure God will work this all out in His perfect timing, I'm just finding it hard to rest when my soul desires to be somewhere other than it is right now.

Oh mercy, it's gonna be a long ride.

The daydreaming continues...

2010-01-29T12:34:00.000-08:00

I keep having to remind myself of the ripple effects of my work here. So often I wish I were there--but there is purpose in sitting behind my desk endlessly writing away. I just need to keep telling myself that.

Well, I sat down a few nights ago and typed out the most honest message I could to both my supervisors letting them know that I feel the Lord is and has been pursuing me to return back to South Africa and acknowledging that we need to work towards that. I do feel they will want me in the US a bit longer, so will wait to hear from them.

I forgot to mention I had a run-in meeting last week with Dr. George Ayittey an Ghanain economist who is widely-recognized Worldwide for his voice on what solutions for Africa look like. He is the author of Africa Unchained, a book that was really helpful to me. He affirms African solutions for African problems which I could not agree with more. Usually I am shy around these sorts of people, but seriously only through the grace of God who gave me great boldness, did I march myself right up to him, tell him what some of my ideas were, and ask if I could have his contact information so I could bounce some ideas off him and potentially sometime down the road ask him to be a board member :) That's exactly what I did and so I will contact him and keep the discussion going.

In the meantime, I need to start getting my ideas down concretely on paper. I have passions to work with youth doing fitness and nutrition programs, and character-building sports conferences/camps that will also serve as discipleship mechanisms and HIV prevention tools. This stems out of my love for running and doing triathlons and a run-in with an IRONMAN triathlete from one of the townships in South Africa in 2008.

Then there is also a dream to work with communities building skills and trading systems. I think they would be a bit similar to Millennium Villages but without the dependence on outside aid. God has pointed me to Zimbabwe with this vision long ago, so one step at a time I will get there, as long as I keep walking that out. I think my time with Farming God's Way, short as it was in 2008, will be a key part of this work. I just have a feeling that that relationship was cultivated for a larger purpose.

So, those are some of the dreams God planted in me--years ago. Sometimes I feel like they are impossible to carry out, but I believe God put them in me and that He has given me a love for Africa that will keep me focused even while I am away. That certainly has been the case so far. And I'm thankful He will do exactly as He desires to accomplish if I remain an open vessel for Him to move through. These dreams are not mine, but His, and I have finally reached the point of being broken of myself and poured out for Him. I'm beginning to grasp that I will be in Africa for a long, long time. Its just something I feel at the core of my soul. I know I still have a choice and there is plenty I could involve myself in here in the States, and God would love me the same. His love doesn't change no matter what we do or don't do. It is constant and cannot be earned. But there is a joy in me to keep walking out the vision He put in my heart...whatever that means...So step by step it is. My prayer is Paul's prayer that I would become less that He may become more and that in my temporary life He may be glorified and use me as He so desires.

In the waiting room and finding it difficult to wait...

2010-01-26T11:58:00.000-08:00

Rewind...back to the end of November. I was beginning to realize that it would be valuable and important to get back to South Africa and spend some time with the organization I am working for. It's been a while since I've spent time with them and there have been a number of changes. Apart from the information gathering that would be helpful to me to continue in my current role I really wanted deeply to connect with everyone again. It's hard to be hundreds of miles away and writing like a busy bee all the proposals I am, without having people around who are also passionate about that work...no one to talk to (besides on skype). So I sit at my computer desk day in and day out, writing, writing, writing, sometimes making phone calls, but usually writing. I was so excited so I asked if I could come and work from there for a little while. No response. I asked again. No response.

Finally, about 1.5 months passes and I ask again. This time the answer is different--it is not as I expected--"the sure, it would be good to have you here" that I was hoping for, but to keep waiting.

I'm a bit disappointed...well, let's be honest, more than a bit. I tried to convey how important I thought it would be for me to spend time back at the organization, but nope. I'm sure there is good reason for the decision that was made. In some ways it is reiterating to me a growing angst...that maybe what I am supposed to do requires some separation from an organization and me stepping out more on my own. It's hard to do that completely being a stranger to the land, having a different skin color, and speaking a different language. Yet, I am slowly realizing that I think I need to abide in His grace and step out in faith.

There is also something else I keep thinking about. When in South Africa a while back, I felt God was saying to me to "stand by (a certain person's) side and support (this person) in all that they do." That is a pretty clear directive and perhaps the very clarity I had been praying for. I wrestle with knowing what that means and looks like and have a desire to obey. I guess in time, it would begin to become more clear. I wonder if I should say something to this person? Hmmm...

So, I am beginning to realize that it's time for another conversation to happen...this time regarding moving closer to what I feel God is calling me to. I'm not sure how that will go over when there has not been a great deal of understanding up to this point, but all I can do is be honest with where I am at and live by my convictions to do what is right no matter what the repercussions are. I know I need to be obedient to Christ and that is my desire.

So, here's to having the conversation and all it's repercussions. I am so thankful that the Lord is in control. When we are faithful, He is faithful. When we are not faithful, He remains faithful still. Such great love...

Another year forward

2010-01-19T09:43:00.000-08:00

Wowza...been a while since I've posted something on here. I've been home for over a year now. I thought about it for a while a little while ago. When I first boarded the plane two Decembers ago to return home, there was no question in my mind that I would be home for a month and then immediately return back to South Africa to continue my role fund raising. But, as I was home I began to realize that my job would be easier and work more ideally from the US than from South Africa, granted there were pros and cons working in either place.

As I look back on it now, I was right. I accomplished a lot more being in the States than I may have accomplished being in South Africa. And, God used the time I've been away to help me recognize how much I want to be back. Only, this time, it's not me wanting to go because I ought to, but because I want to...that is the compelling emotion in my heart. But I don't know what that looks like at the moment. I'm praying that doors that were once open will reopen again. That although things don't look clear right now, that they soon will become clear.

I wonder if God is asking me to make a decision and step out in faith towards it? I particularly wonder this as I am in an interesting and complex situation at the moment that has my hands tied. I don't have permission to move forward until I hear back from my current employer about the status of my position, but it has been an overwhelmingly long time that I've been waiting for decisions to be made. I've been a bit inpatient, and have tried for perhaps the last time, today to find the clarification I have been seeking. I hope to hear something soon.

A good friend told me when I was in South Africa in 2008, that the closer we get to following God's plan for our lives the more it will require us to give up and let go of things that hinder us...those words were so wise and I think back on them quite often. I think I know what that looks like for me now and it is just a matter of doing it...letting go of those things.

I am still reminded of the words that came to me while in South Africa...pointing me to Zimbabwe. I'm hoping that may happen soon.

Well, back in the waiting room...

The promises of God...

2008-09-05T03:21:00.000-07:00

I dissected the corridors of my heart. I find what's been there all along, this fragile little hope that clings tightly to God in the midst of a world around me that in the past few months has seemed to come apart...this little girl inside me who carries her basket, her offering, seeking to do the wild desires of my heart the dreams I've been chasing for so long but struggling at times to find the way. I'm taunted by the voices around me.

Let me just say that last week I had to make my decision as to staying "indefinitely" for a time here or returning home. I struggled with the two passions of my heart and bringing them both before the Lord and offering them up. I called a wise woman who spoke the truth boldly to me in the midst of my need. Her words turned me back to my One True Love.

And I knew in my heart that staying, although it means not seeing family for a while, is what I need to do to keep walking out this journey. No doubt in my mind that I could turn around and go right back home and God would still smile upon me and bless me. He knows I'll serve Him wherever I am. But there is this tenacious drive in me that yearns to see how God redeems the past few months of pain and loss. And I know if I turn around I will be walking away from seeing what is up ahead in the journey. So, I remain this little vessel, offering all of what I can, which is just lil ole me.

So I said "yes" to staying which means I won't be coming home till December, I think.

But then there are the voices that taunt my spirit so.

The voice of the one who a couple months ago told me that I wasn't the "right volunteer" for this position because if it was God's will my support money would have come in much more quickly. I often doubt myself, second quess myself alot, and this statement almost made me retreat. Was I never to come in the first place? was the question I kept asking. It took a lot to heal after those words were said. I've been yearning to see how God redeems it.

But then something else this past week. How in the ups and downs of all that has happened and how "the plan" I originally agreed to has been changing so much, that this may distort the character of God, who is not One who calls us to chase after Him as He changes things on us unexpectedly. That's true, so how do I make sense of all the changes? Now I'm confused...but not entirely. It makes sense to me. I knew before I came God was preparing me for something big and something new in my life--that He was going to do something huge. I knew when I purchased my airfare that although the return date was July 21st, I wouldn't be returning then. I knew before I left that the relationship that had been so important to me for so long was going to come to an end. I knew I was going to have to decide between pursuing God, or pursuing the relationship. I knew when I applied for my Visa extension and chose a date in October, that that wasn't the right timing either.

But still, it's the words again that suddenly make me doubt everything. Something beautiful I cling to...

I was awakened Sunday in the middle of the night by a voice that said to me, "Go to Zimbabwe."

Random, totally random.

But I think it was God's way of reminding me that He does have me on a journey. I have known that South Africa was my starting place all along and Zimbabwe my ending place. It was as if, the night before the day I had to give my decision, God was reminding me that there was a "promise land" He has been taking me to all along.

I remember every time I've doubted myself, every time I've been fearful of hoping, every time I've been afraid that God has something good up ahead, every time I've felt inadequate, I have looked out to see a rainbow. They've only lasted a couple minutes each time, but interestingly they've been there just when I glanced up and always directly ahead of me. A very clear reminder to me that He is faithful and that His promises are true.

So I cling to those reminders and keep walking. I do need prayer though, especially now. I was so excited to keep walking but now struggle with wondering again if I'm supposed to be here given all that's been said to me. I need to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him, my ears attentive to His voice but it is hard when I've been hearing so many other things from people who I respect and find quite wise.

Please pray for me, for discernment and that I will know the way forward.

(Thanks Mara and Michelle for taking good care of my Mom. That is a HUGE blessing to me. I miss her very much and appreciate you two reaching out to her and seeing that she gets well. Thanks for your prayers and love and for being the Body so well.)

Fingerprints...

2008-08-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

A few months before I came out to South Africa I was really struggling with making the journey. I felt a little like Jonah who was commanded to head to Ninevah but did not want to go. It was hard for me. I realized that in making the first step, it was an initial step that would propel me forward to pursuing my long-term calling. Hard because while all along I had been yearning to be in Africa, simultaneously I was wrestling with the other desire that was deeply embedded in my heart--the part of me that really wanted to just settle down and start a family. I wondered to myself if that was okay...if it would be okay to jump off the train that my life seemed to be on the past six years and abandon ship to pursue this other desire. I wondered if it was okay to abandon my calling, at least for a time.

That struggle has continuted to come up during my time out here, especially throughout all the ups and downs but I sensed God calling me to remain within the land. In the midst of everything I really had to step back and ask myself the question, "Is it even possible to please God?" Because ultimately, that's what I wanted to do with all my heart.

Is it possible to please God?

Not an easy question to answer but the more I ponder it the more I think the answer is no. How can man please the One who created all things when not even one of us is righteous? Thank God he sent His son to redeem us. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is okay to live in sin, I am simply stating that the religious principles and all our attempts to live a sinless life are really futile because God accepts us as we are and we are justified in Christ. We should seek to honor and glorify God by making choices that are in accordance with what Christ has taught us but to religiously try to "please" Him would be just as poor of an attempt as the Pharisees had sought so diligently to do.)

I just finished reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. The story capitulated the story of Hosea in the Bible. Hosea was a man called to marry a prostitute, Gomer. At the very end of the book I realized God was asking me if I realized he loved me as much as Hosea loved Gomer...with a love that is unconditional, that accepts me as I am, and is not dependant on the right or wrong choices I make or have failed to make.

That's really when it hit me that this whole past two years at least, maybe even longer, I was living my life thinking that if I don't pursue my calling and I abandon ship, surely I will disappoint my Heavenly Father. I certainly didn't want to disappoint Him. I began living life in order to "please" Him rather than disappoint Him. I've been so afraid of disappointing Him if I made a wrong choice or didn't step in the direction I thought He wanted me to head. Every decision became extremely difficult as I pondered what was going on in my head and heart and trying to make my thoughts and responses obedient to God. What I realized was that that was not at all the relationship God wants to be in.

It came really beautifully to me.

I've never had a "word" from the Lord spoken to me by someone else. This past Tuesday, I was at a prayer meeting and everyone formed a large circle and prayed. Afterwards, I sat with two close friends talking and enjoying pizza when a man who doesn't know me at all approached and asked for two minutes of my time. I was a little hesitant but followed Him to another table and sat down. He wasted no time and told me that when we were all praying, God gave Him a specific word to come speak to me. He proceeded to say that this is what God said to Him to tell me...

"You have had many decisions to make and have been knocking on many doors trying to understand which ones to walk through. The Lord wants you to know that He sees your heart and sincerity and because of it, His favor rests on you. He wants you to know that it doesn't matter to Him which door you walk through, He will bless your steps. He also has a long-term plan for you and wants to bless it so walk forward knowing that the Lord's favor is on you whatever decision you make."

And it hit me...tenderly God was reassuring me of His love and His goodness. It was freeing to me...just to know that He has allowed me freedom to make my own decision...that I don't have to put myself through such a crucible of decision making and wrestling so much to determine what the "right" decision is.

So, even if I abandon this calling for a time that's okay? Yeah, I think that's what He was saying. And then I realized the depth of His love. That in all my futile attempts to please Him, He just wants my heart. That I can walk whatever path forward if i just let Him have my heart, my adoration, my love. It was quite an awakening for me.

And, let me say it came at an appropriate time as two weeks ago I was asked to consider remaining in South Africa indefinitely. I know that doing so makes a great deal of logical sense as I feel a majority of my life will be spent in Africa. Now, rather than looking to God for the clear direction I would have sought regarding the next step, I hear Him asking me, "what do you want to do?" Rather than feeling condemned if I say I don't know that I'm ready to stay here indefinitely, I am reassured with "it's okay--the choice is yours..." which has many implications, yet at the same time is so beautiful.

So now I dissect the corridors of my heart.

The road keeps winding...

2008-08-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

It's been 16 days since the day I was supposed to pack up my things, cart my suitcases back to the airport and check myself in for my flight back home. But I didn't do any of those things besides the packing part, just in case.

My time here in South Africa has in ways been exactly what I expected, but in so many other ways, I was not anticipating God to move as He has in my life the past three months. It is those movements, difficult at times to embrace, that I finally let go of so many things in my life to make room and make way for the new season He has brought me to.

I knew before I came out here that God was doing something different, something very new in my life. I was confronted by relationships, rather a relationship, that I knew I would probably have to let go of in order to continue this journey I am on and have been on for the past five years. I didn't anticipate things (the relationship) to completely crumble apart, but it did.

The one thing that would have kept me in the USA indefinitely, gone. God knew I had a hard time letting it go so he separated me and then worked on cutting the ties that I had a hard time cutting myself. Painful--extremely, but at the very same time a new confirmation that I have been walking a path with a definite purpose.

Reflection...

My past three months have brought me alot of reflection. Voyaging into my heart, the pain, the questions, the fears, the anxiety, the desperation, the longing, the desire. I've been asking a lot of questions since I've been out here and God has been faithfully answering each one. Sometimes the answer comes from within my own spirit, sometimes through His word, sometimes the wisdom and words of a friend.

God has been whispering to me all along that He was taking me on a new journey. And I get it. It all makes sense to me.

I struggled for three or four years just getting to Africa initially. I knew that's where God wanted me but the timing wasn't right, or I wasn't ready to leave my family, needed to be grounded at work making my living... I knew when this opportunity came up it would be an easy way for me to dip my toe into the water and experience at least a little bit of what it might look like for me to be here more long term. What I didn't anticipate was that God would command me to stay here.

I can't tell you how long I wrestled with Him about it. Financially, I was already strapped and didn't want to continue dwindling down my savings account. God does call us to be wise stewards of our resources and somehow it didn't make sense to keep mine a-dwindling! My dad's heart was moved and he told me not to worry about it. Here I am, youngest of three, the one he didn't want to loose. He let me go--spread my wings, and rather than come home supports me staying in Africa. My mom too...she had an unbearable time hugging me at the airport and sending me off. Suddenly she was saying that she thought I should stay.

Then there was the "what ifs" that plagued me for so long. What if I go back now, maybe things can be repaired with the relationship? What if I am to go back and continue with things the way they were supposed to be, maybe that is what God really wants me to do? What if I don't go back now, I am going to be disappointing so many people? What if I can't find a job when I get back home? And on, and on...

I heard God saying very clearly to trust Him, seek Him, follow Him. I was reminded of a verse in the Gospel of Matthew..."anyone who looks back is not fit for ministry." That made perfect sense.

After all the prayer I knew what God was saying to me...that I knew the path all along. And I had. I had a feeling before I came that my purpose and my time may perhaps not have been what I had "signed up for" so to speak. (Quite literally). And watching various circumstances unravel themselves in the course of my 3 months, that was really quite clear. But I continued to struggle because it didn't seem right that I should come and not remain faithful to the original "plan" I was to stick to when I set off from the States. I thought about all the individuals I would be disappointing. But first and foremost I have to be faithful to God. I asked myself the question, "how can I be faithful when I am disappointing people?" God made it pretty clear again that He didn't want me to dwell on that but on the fullness of His grace and continue walking the path forward. Courage. It sometimes means that others may look down on us, but a man must do what he knows in his heart is right. Sigh...even if it means disappointing people.

So July 21st came and went.

God is faithful. He is opening doors and ministry opportunities and showing me day by day where to plant my next footstep.

Next week I get to attend an agricultural conference and training by an organization called Farming God's Way. Absolutely amazing and perfect timing. Three times since I've been here I heard God asking me if I would feed his children. I had no idea how to respond. I wanted to say yes but I didn't know what that looked like.

God gave me a clear indication...a vision, a dream, a community, and a community leader. So, when I come back from the conference, Lord willing, I will help teach people how to grow their own produce so that families can become self-sufficient and communities become sustainable as they provide one another with food.

I'm really tickled that God would allow me to serve in this capacity. It brings me back to my childhood in such a deep way when I would run and play in my grandpa's fields where he grew acres and acres of produce. It brings me back to hoeing the land, preparing the soil, and the many long labourous days planting the seeds. There is something about working the ground that makes you feel so close to God. Maybe it goes back to the start of creation, yes...I think so. I am delighted that in a way I get to share with my grandpa that a little of his farming "stuck" with me more than I may have thought it would.

And there are other doors opening up.

God is so close, so near and I stand at the edge of this great expanse ready to begin this ministry He's called me to. But at the same time, I feel the enemy lurking, wanting to pull away the good things God has ahead...the promises He has for me, the good things He desires to bless me with, the opportunities He's laid in front of me.

I sincerely ask for prayer. Prayer for wisdom to discern my steps forward, patience to allow God to go ahead, willingness to obey even when it might be hard and call forth sacrifice (which in so many ways is my own vulnerability and accepting myself). Boldness--not an easy thing for someone who can be quite shy and fearful of letting people close. That God would continue to guide all circumstances for His glory and for me to faithfully obey. For time management--that I concentrate and focus on the efforts where I can serve more effectively. For sensitivity to the way people do things here, for relationships to be strengthened and edified. To serve with humility, strength, and reverence the one who has called me here and has been sustaining me all along.

I'll write another blog soon...one not so focused on me, but I wanted to share what is going on in the depths of my heart.

To God be the glory forever, and ever, Amen.

A quick update...

2008-06-27T07:53:00.002-07:00

I've joined a group of African leaders fasting and praying for Zim. Here is how they are steering their prayers...

* * *

We seek the Lord for Zimbabwe
Pray for the pastors and ministry leaders to find renewed strength and hope to care for their own families and also the people in their sphere of influence.

Pray for Zimbabwean leaders to put aside their differences and interests and seek a path of humble reconciliation for the good of all Zimbabweans.

Pray for world leaders and their representatives that would involve themselves in the current crisis in such a way as to bring Zimbabwe’s leaders together in a peaceful manner for negotiation purposes.

Pray about the 24 hour ultimatum given by Mr. Tsvangirai to President Mugabe. So far they have not come to the negotiating table.

Pray for the June 27 “election” that is still taking place tomorrow according to President Mugabe and his ruling party. The opposing party is not participating in the election and has chosen not to cast their votes. Tomorrow is a day of grave concern and uncertainty.

Pray that the Lord would intervene in Zimbabwe’s situation in such a glorious and powerful way that there is no doubt that the Lord’s help and care was present.

Pray the word “Enough. The Lord is enough for the cries and needs of the Zimbabwean people.”

Pray that the physical needs of the people would be met and that international aid organizations/NGO’s would be allowed to return to Zimbabwe to help.

Pray for the SART team as we continue to minister and support our Zimbabwean ministry partners.

They are praying and reading through:

2 Chronicles 20:1-13
1 After this, the Moabites and Ammonites with some of the Meunites came to make war on Jehoshaphat. 2 Some men came and told Jehoshaphat, "A vast army is coming against you from Edom, from the other side of the Sea. It is already in Hazazon Tamar" (that is, En Gedi). 3 Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved to inquire of the Lord, and he proclaimed a fast for all Judah. 4 The people of Judah came together to seek help from the Lord; indeed, they came from every town in Judah to seek him. 5 Then Jehoshaphat stood up in the assembly of Judah and Jerusalem at the temple of the Lord in the front of the new courtyard 6 and said: "O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven? You rule over all the kingdoms of the nations. Power and might are in your hand, and no one can withstand you.

Just thought it was good to pray together so wanted to provide a quick little update. They are urging people to pray through June 29th.

For a quick article on what is going on:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/143250

Calling the vigilantes...

2008-06-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

Those who know this journey I'm on know that even though I am in South Africa, it is just a stepping stone to Zimbabwe as that is the place my heart yearns to be. I urge you to be vigilant in prayer for this nation now and for the next 72 hours...they are critical.

Rhodesian, Rhodesia Zimbabwe, and then Zimbabwe. How much can one country endure? How much can its people endure?

It used to be a land of plenty, abundance for all, providing to other nations from its storehouse. But the people were robbed of their land, ordered to leave. Lands were seized and a dictatorship was formed. A dictatorship that has been oppressing its very own people for 28 years now.

Elections.

The chance for a new opportunity, hope for the people that have been living with so little. You cannot imagine this type of poverty and the status of Zim's economic conditions. And there are so few resources to go around.

I can only imagine the hope that people have clung to these past few months, knowing they had an opportunity to see change and then, having voted to end the cycle of oppression that they are under by the governance of Robert Mugabe. And then to have that hope snatched away so quickly by a relentless, and corrupt leader whose own pride makes him unable to acknowledge defeat.

He demanded another election.

It is on Friday, June 27th.

With violence all across the country, Mugabe's opposing candidate, Morgan Tsvangirai, announced he would no longer run against Mugabe because he could not stand the thought of his own people risking their lives to vote on Friday. He sought assylum in the Dutch Embassy.

Mugabe stated earlier last week, "Only God will remove me..."

How beautiful that would be.

One thing is happening, Africa is noticing. The land, its many people, its many tongues, are watching and waiting. Leaders from other countries, Angola, Rwanda, Swaziland, Tanzania are making their statements against this ruler. Is it an awakening?

(There are many political systems in Africa, throughout the land that are corrupt. Will this situation help awaken the people? I wonder...)

Back to "Only God will remove me..." a strong statement indeed.

Please join in prayer for Zimbabwe throughout this next 72 hours. The brutality that people have faced and been subject to has been intense -- many murdered being burnt alive. The violence has not stopped and some are concerned about genocide.

Join me in praying...

that God will hear the cry of the oppressed and be quick to grant courage and mercy

that God will awaken men who intend to do violence in the early morning hours with
strong dreams warning them to turn from their evil and violent ways. that these dreams would torment and haunt.

that those who are in the ZANU (Mugabe's ruling party) would have the blinders removed from their eyes, that they see clearly the destruction Mugabe has caused in the land and recognize him for who he is and has been

for protection for all the innocent, especially for women and children and churches and shephards, and ministry organizations

for courage to vote, for protection in doing so

that God will have His way with Mugabe

Those are my thoughts for now.

Let the angels in heaven come down and be swift to do battle against the principalities of evil that have gripped men's hearts in Zimbabwe. May the spiritual strongholds that have gripped the land be shaken loose, may God's promises be alive and visible in Zimbabwe.

Please, please be vigilant in prayer.

Putting back on my GoGo Boots...

2008-06-24T12:45:00.001-07:00

After some much needed time away, I am feeling refreshed! I needed a safe place to go clear my head of the past couple weeks and find the comfort and support of trusted friends to share with and journey onward alongside. God works in such beautiful ways. I think of my friends, the DiCocco's and how God has allowed us the past four years to journey together as we have both entertained the calling and God wooing our hearts to Afria. Getting to this point has been nothing short of it's ups and downs, but here we all are. God has brought us out here almost simultaneously, and although we have landed in different places and are serving alongside different organizations, we serve this larger place--South Africa--and its people together. So I spilled the beans and poured out everything that was in my heart. The good, the not so pretty things that happened, my sensitive emotional status, my personal struggles, and the questions of "where do I go from here?" And they listened, and encouraged, and walked with me as we have been doing this past four years.

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. There is nothing that compares to community, when you truly find it.

So now I am recharged for this last leg of my short stint here. I am beginning to grow a little sorrowful that my time (for now) out here is almost over. I am ready to head back home but sad to leave this land too.

* * *

Today I got to spend time back in one of the communities with the tiny little Xhosa children. Ooh...there is nothing like a whole bunch of tiny wee ones delightfully gazing at you and grabbing onto your arms and legs saying a whole bunch of words in a language you don't understand. They were particularly curious of one part of me...

When I was 10 years old, I developed this odd capillary that began growing out of my skin. The doctor said that rather than growing underneath the surface of my skin it wanted to grow outward. I went through one laser removal process when I was 15 and it didn't work. At the time, I thought it was quite painful so I opted out of treatment number 2.

It is a peculiar sight and although I often wish it wasn't there, it is part of me that I have chosen to accept...:)

I now see exactly why God put it there on my neck.

Never have I seen children so delighted to look, touch, and gaze at my tiny red capillary in amazement, asking what it is and staring with fixed curiousity. Their delightfulness has also brought me many smiles and I realize I'm glad I kept my tiny little red bump.

Prayers answered

2008-05-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

Most of the violence in and around Cape Town have come to an end. Thank you for praying about the events that have taken place in South Africa the past week. There is peace for the most part in most places right now, but many many homeless refugees. It is estimated that 70,000 people are now displaced from their homes. New communities have been formed for these refugees, however, the new land and space that has been sectioned for them is not large enough to contain everyone. Can you imagine being displaced from your home and having to flee, leaving behind all your belongings, your livelihood, and what little you had and having to start all over again with basically no money? Please keep these refugees in prayer, they could certainly use it as they have to start to rebuilding their lives.

On a separate note, I haven't really been blogging what is going on in my life. Right now I feel very spiritually attacked. There have been statements made behind my back and accusations made against me of things I have said but have not said and I'm very upset about it. This past weekend was extremely difficult, nearly unbearable. All I could do was pray. God brought me to Psalm 35...the very first verse reads, "Contend, O Lord, with those who contend with me; fight against those who fight against me." Today I had a picture of the a battle being fought...I feel like I need strength to continue my journey here. Please pray for me.

Violence in South Africa

2008-05-23T15:07:00.000-07:00

Chaos has broken out within the townships of South Africa and there is urgent need for steadfast prayer. I am within minutes drive from several informal settlements where there have been rumors of violence and groups assembling in masses together to hunt out foreigners, particularly those who had fled Zimbabwe to come find refuge and possible employment here in South Africa.

Police have been diligently patroling and doing what they can, churches within and nearby informal settlements have become refugee camps for those fleeing the communities. They need prayer for protection as do all foreigners living in the country. At this point it is hard to say how things may be in a couple days. We are all doing what we can to help those who need protection.

It seems history of Rwanda is in a way repeating itself here. Just last week there were individuals within one particular community going around to each persons shack asking where they were from and how many individuals live in the shack. This is what happened prior to the genocide in Rwanda.

There have been difficult decisions people have had to make today...like whether to risk their life going into the settlements to rescue foreigners who have become key community leaders and friends. I sat with colleagues today who were wrestling with this decision, deeply trying to figure out how to to help while yet exercising discernment.

At this point we don't know if things will get better or worse. I wonder about my safety as I am to be spending a majority of my time in these communities. What I do know is that I will exercise my own judgement and listen for when I hear the Holy Spirit directing me not to enter a particular place. I am hopeful I can finish out my time here without myself having to leave.

Please pray for South Africa and the foreigners who are now alienated in a place where they sought refuge from their own countries. Pray for peace. Pray too for Zimbabwe as the oppression of the people there is overwhelming.

The weeks that have passed...

2008-05-04T05:24:00.000-07:00

Crazy how quickly the days can pass, how full they can be and how easy it is to become enveloped in the day-to-day. The last couple weeks have been quite busy and although my good intentions were to write at least a weekly update, obviously I have struggled. Here's to getting back to it!

The day after I wrote began my first day serving alongside the NGO I am assisting. I spent that week trying to figure out the goals they had for me while I'm here and it was evident that there were a couple things to sort out. All is now sorted and I will be spending the next two to three months researching the organization and all their programs, doing needs assessments and busying myself in each of the eight communities where they work. Last week (well 2 weeks ago now) I spent the majority of my time in the health care center, no longer a hospice as the patients who come do end up recovering quite well and returning to their homes where they will be cared for by family, most likely. A couple stories and food for thought...

Those who are terminally ill with a chronic condition are those who enter the health care center. On my first day observing, a new patient, Mr. A DeCock was admitted. He looked like a very gentle soul and was brought in on a stretcher. I felt a little awkward doing my observing, but I did need to learn the intake process and understand what each employee's job duties were. So I watched as they took him to a side room where they lifted him off the stretcher into a hospital bed, connected his fluid drip and tried to make him comfortable. The nurse, Vuse, explained to me that they would read through his paperwork, assess his condition and determine his treatment.

What I soon learned about Mr. DeCock was that no one in his family was very interested in providing care for him...maybe it was because it required too much physically to do so. He was pretty much bed-ridden and could no longer use the bathroom as his excretory system was shutting down.

The nurses continued trying to make him comfortable and were struggling to get the bed rail attached to the bed. While they struggled I smiled at Mr. DeCock and he smiled back to me as if he completely understood and was thinking exactly what I was. The nurses couldn't get the bed part attached and they left the room. I stood there for a few minutes longer and then left the room. That is when Vuse let me see Mr. DeCock's patient chart. I picked it up and began reading the letter from the hospital which had admitted him. The letter read that Mr. DeCock had had cerebral injury at some point that they thought was bleeding but he also had liver cancer and had renal bleeding. He had been referred over for palliative care.

My heart sank.

It is a rude awakening to realize that one has only a little while longer to live and that there is nothing that can help alleviate pain and suffering, that the only thing that can be done is to show compassion, try to alleviate as much pain as possible and provide the best few days, weeks, months left that one can. So there I was, awakened by this reality.

The time came when the nursing staff was to evaluate Mr. DeCock and try to get some information from him regarding his family and next of kin. It was just one nurse and myself. She asked Mr. DeCock if he had a wife. He nodded. The nurse asked him what her name was. He tried to say something but none of us could understand because he was deaf and it was difficult for him to speak well. The question was repeated once again. He tried to repeat himself...but we couldn't understand. We hung there in this moment of silent suspense, hoping and waiting for the moment we would realize what it was he was saying to us...we kept hanging there...a moment, a moment longer, another moment...it seemed like a complete failure of communication as though we wouldn't get the sender and receiver messages to connect.

Then Mr. DeCock's eyes sparkled and he began to move his hand and fingers...it took me a moment but I realized that he was signing the name of his wife. The only problem, no one knew how to interpret sign language. I wished immediately that I had learned. My goodness, I was so sad that here he was trying so hard to help us understand him but there would be no way that we could. We tried having him write, draw pictures, anything, but nothing seemed to work. The nurse gave up and left the room. I stayed. This time the question she had asked that he was trying to convey was his address.

He was exasperated from trying to recall it. He looked at me and said what I could make out as "It is going to take a very long time for me to remember." I told him that it was okay. He kept trying and finally looked hopelessly towards me and cried out asking, "Why am I so stupid!?!" I quickly told him that he was not stupid and that it was okay if he couldn't remember and that he had done a good job so far. He took the pen and began writing again.

He kept writing what looked like lower-case Q's. Finally, I got what he was writing...999, his house address. I asked him if that was it and he said yes. I patted him on the shoulder and said good job and went to tell the nurse. I spent a little longer with him later that afternoon and then had to tell him that I was leaving. I knew the next day I wouldn't see him because I would be out in one of the informal settlements.

Thursday I finally did get back to the health care center. I went to visit with Mr. DeCock who had been moved to the men's ward. I wanted to talk with him, but he was asleep. I was gone in the afternoon to another informal settlement. When I arrived Friday morning back to the health clinic I learned that he had passed away on Thursday at 4PM.

I was devastated that I hadn't another chance to sit down with him to talk, or try to talk. I had wanted to provide at least a little bit to brighten the day for him but that opportunity seemed to slip on by. It made me realize how quickly life fades when you get to a certain point. What was so wonderful to hear though was that Mr. DeCock's family had visited him earlier that day. I was grateful to hear that--that in the midst of his suffering they were there no longer distancing themselves. It was hard to lose another patient--to have felt the sadness of Nozipo's death and then another one so short a timeframe later. I can't imagine the work that the nurse and carers do and coping with the terminally ill and those in late stages of life. But they do such an amazing job and I was grateful they were there providing compassion when and where it definitely is needed.

There were other patients in the health care center that week that I chatted with. Many of them were HIV and TB+ and obviously suffering. Many of them will get better and return back to the community where they will continue their treatment regimine which includes ARV's and TB treatment. One such patient I met and got a chance to sit with for a while is Alletta. She has been HIV+ for 13 years and because of ARV's is doing quite well. She shared her story and told me about how her husband had infected her with the virus. Right now she is caring for a neighbor's little girl and has basically adopted this child as the mother is an alcoholic and would otherwise not care for this little one.

So there is Alletta, sick and caring enough to take care of a toddler. She shared about the passing of her brother a year earlier and how her parents do not know she is sick because they are still grieving the loss of their son. Alletta is afraid to tell them. Tears streamed down her face as she talked about her life and how difficult it has been. Then the social worker here asked if there was anything that the organization could do to help her.

Alletta responded, housing. She told us that her shack fills with water when it rains and how if it can't get fixed she doesn't think she will make it through the winter. And, I am finding that winters are harsh here.

Although there is no snow, the rain is heavy and the wind strong. At times it just howls. Imagine being chronically ill and having to live in damp, cold, wet, windy conditions all day long. My heart ached. All this woman stated she needs is housing. But the path to making that happen isn't easy. Yet, I wonder if there is something I can do? It seems that my long-term goals are aligning right alongside this area of need so it's just a matter of time before the two intersect...

I wonder if anyone wants to help???

The first few days...

2008-04-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

It's taken a long time to finally reach this place, my home away from home in South Africa. Funny how you can be oceans apart from close family and friends and yet feel so close and not far away at all. The internet probably helps.

Well, after a long couple flights (each went smoothly without any issues for those who know what I mean ;) I was greeted at the airport by my new flatmate and made the long trek from the Cape Town airport to my new home. It's a familiar place and although not filled with the friendly faces who I once stayed here with, there are many other friendly faces and people I am really becoming quite close with.

The first couple days have been about settling in, recovering from jetlag and getting a bit acclimated as to where I am in relation to everything else. Yesterday my friend Jakes drove me around Chapman's Peak which was full of breathtaking vistas. I wish I had brought my camera but we were eventually heading to the waterfront and I didn't feel like taking it along. There will be another opportunity I am sure.

Today has been a quiet day...mostly me and the house. It's been nice though, I probably needed that to get even more settled in preparation for my first day tomorrow. Some sad news...on Thursday I found out that Nozipo, a woman who was in the health care clinic when I was out here last year, passed away at 2am that morning. I was very saddened by the news because I had so desperately been hoping I would be able to see her again and spend time sharing and telling stories with one another once again. Last year she told me that if I ended up coming back, she would come and visit me. It was extremely humbling...here she is HIV+, frail, without transportation, barely able to walk because of two previous strokes, wanting to come visit me if I returned back. Then I arrive, and that very night she passes away. At the same time, I am comforted knowing that she is no longer suffering. A friend of mine here who spent time with her in her last week of life said that there were days that Patricia (Nozipo's English name) said that there was no one to talk to so she would just talk to Jesus all day. I'm glad that she is now with Jesus and that she can talk to him face to face.

I'm concerned about Thembeka, my friend in Kayamandi. I emailed her letting her know I was back in South Africa and I haven't heard from her. Lord-willing I will head to Stellenbosch next weekend to spend time in Kayamandi and see if I can find her.

Until later,

Brenda