The promises of God...

I dissected the corridors of my heart. I find what's been there all along, this fragile little hope that clings tightly to God in the midst of a world around me that in the past few months has seemed to come apart...this little girl inside me who carries her basket, her offering, seeking to do the wild desires of my heart the dreams I've been chasing for so long but struggling at times to find the way. I'm taunted by the voices around me.

Let me just say that last week I had to make my decision as to staying "indefinitely" for a time here or returning home. I struggled with the two passions of my heart and bringing them both before the Lord and offering them up. I called a wise woman who spoke the truth boldly to me in the midst of my need. Her words turned me back to my One True Love.

And I knew in my heart that staying, although it means not seeing family for a while, is what I need to do to keep walking out this journey. No doubt in my mind that I could turn around and go right back home and God would still smile upon me and bless me. He knows I'll serve Him wherever I am. But there is this tenacious drive in me that yearns to see how God redeems the past few months of pain and loss. And I know if I turn around I will be walking away from seeing what is up ahead in the journey. So, I remain this little vessel, offering all of what I can, which is just lil ole me.

So I said "yes" to staying which means I won't be coming home till December, I think.

But then there are the voices that taunt my spirit so.

The voice of the one who a couple months ago told me that I wasn't the "right volunteer" for this position because if it was God's will my support money would have come in much more quickly. I often doubt myself, second quess myself alot, and this statement almost made me retreat. Was I never to come in the first place? was the question I kept asking. It took a lot to heal after those words were said. I've been yearning to see how God redeems it.

But then something else this past week. How in the ups and downs of all that has happened and how "the plan" I originally agreed to has been changing so much, that this may distort the character of God, who is not One who calls us to chase after Him as He changes things on us unexpectedly. That's true, so how do I make sense of all the changes? Now I'm confused...but not entirely. It makes sense to me. I knew before I came God was preparing me for something big and something new in my life--that He was going to do something huge. I knew when I purchased my airfare that although the return date was July 21st, I wouldn't be returning then. I knew before I left that the relationship that had been so important to me for so long was going to come to an end. I knew I was going to have to decide between pursuing God, or pursuing the relationship. I knew when I applied for my Visa extension and chose a date in October, that that wasn't the right timing either.

But still, it's the words again that suddenly make me doubt everything. Something beautiful I cling to...

I was awakened Sunday in the middle of the night by a voice that said to me, "Go to Zimbabwe."

Random, totally random.

But I think it was God's way of reminding me that He does have me on a journey. I have known that South Africa was my starting place all along and Zimbabwe my ending place. It was as if, the night before the day I had to give my decision, God was reminding me that there was a "promise land" He has been taking me to all along.

I remember every time I've doubted myself, every time I've been fearful of hoping, every time I've been afraid that God has something good up ahead, every time I've felt inadequate, I have looked out to see a rainbow. They've only lasted a couple minutes each time, but interestingly they've been there just when I glanced up and always directly ahead of me. A very clear reminder to me that He is faithful and that His promises are true.

So I cling to those reminders and keep walking. I do need prayer though, especially now. I was so excited to keep walking but now struggle with wondering again if I'm supposed to be here given all that's been said to me. I need to keep my eyes and heart focused on Him, my ears attentive to His voice but it is hard when I've been hearing so many other things from people who I respect and find quite wise.

Please pray for me, for discernment and that I will know the way forward.


(Thanks Mara and Michelle for taking good care of my Mom. That is a HUGE blessing to me. I miss her very much and appreciate you two reaching out to her and seeing that she gets well. Thanks for your prayers and love and for being the Body so well.)